Monday, September 29, 2008

watershed..

one would think that a watershed moment would come with some kind of a signal, that there would be some indication that life was about to take a turn...but it kind of creeps upon you and then its suddenly standing before you and you cannot ignore it. There needn't be an earth shattering event which reaches you to it too..Maybe tomorrow it wont seem to matter so much but today i suddenly decided that im through with being nice and considerate and thoughtful and empathetic..not because i find it burdensome because if what you get in return is not the same , at least upto a certain degree then at some point of time you can do nothing but shrug.. and i guess i reached my shrugging stage today. I dont want to be understanding anymore, i want to rave and rant and vent my feelings as and when i feel them. why should i think about the impact it might have on another person. Does the other person think of that, is that a primary or even ancillary concern for them. If yes, then i would not have reached this place. You cannot keep trying to ignore or understand. I dont want to be matured anymore. its just this one life i have and there is no point bottling up my reactions as though i could defer their expression to another spacetime. And i dont really want to express them at all, just to stop giving so completely..so as of now i choose to retreat, not into a shell but to a place where i give only filtered emotions and filtered thoughts.. the rest is mine to keep or trash but i dont want to share it with anyone.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

They call it a catharsis when one reaches a state of release and that is what I am feeling too. But a catharsis as the dictionary describes it, is a fallout of an ‘intense emotional experience’. In my case, it is like the clicking of a combination lock, a time to unlock …
There comes a time in life when even the most compulsive of wanderers must lay roots; a time when one has to recognize that all the seeking is in vain because the answers are already there to be read. I wrote some time back here that “I seek because I am” and I want to change that now , “I lay my seeking to rest and I still am”. The restlessness within has found the confirmation it needed to put aside its precipitous wanderings…

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

not an emotional outburst...

"Love makes exceptions" is a cliched notion oft repeated..but one which i have never been able to understand or follow (and i excuse those of you who are thinking that im on an emotional diatribe but this is a logical analysis of a thought that came to me). Per se it should mean that you are willing to accept or excuse the person you love for anything done or said which does not confirm to your beliefs or expectations.. And if this is right then it fails to register with me. I have no rules or expectations from people i do not love so i have no issues with making any exceptions for them, anything is acceptable when it is people who do not matter simply because it has no impact on me at all. But when it comes to someone i love i do have certain hopes and dreams (even though the enlightened would say that one should live life without expecting or depending on anyone..) and they are the ones who can hurt me if they do not live upto my thoughts. So how then is one expected to make an exception.. what would life be if one was like a rudderless boat, flowing any which way without direction or destination, accepting anything thrown on one by the people who are co-travellers on this journey. If it were a passerby then it matters not what transactions one has with them but if it is someone who has been chosen as a companion in life then it matters what he/she does and im not willing to make any exceptions for them, simply because i hold then in esteem and they need to earn that. Harsh ? Unfeeling? unemotional? maybe but i do so hope that my loved ones don't need me to make exceptions, that they will always be a personification of my desires because i truly believe that love lies in the ability of another person to interpolate and live your dreams with you..

When we talk of love, a corollary - in a relationship between a man and a woman, it is faith and respect that need to be sustained most. And speaking of faith the most common cause of loss of faith is attributed to sexual infidelity. This again is something which i do not understand, if one gives of one's body then one gives so little because it is that part of you which is perishable and only an instrument of interaction with the world. If the man i love were to give his physical self to anyone it would mean nothing other than a mortal need fulfilled but if he were to give away one thought, one dream, one desire that belonged to me, that would make me feel betrayed and i would not be willing to make an exception for that...

Monday, September 1, 2008

On childhood dreams...

I have often wondered why is it that our most cherished dreams are the ones which we dreamt in our childhood. As one grows older the dreams change patterns and we often end up following totally different ones as compared to what we aspired for in those tender years. And if one thinks of them in degrees of fondness then the earliest ones are the most prized and loved. Maybe it could be the innocence that was attached to them is what we seek to nurture , knowing that it is forever lost in the process of growing up, we sanctify what remains of it in the form of those childish fantasies...

Life is so unpredictable (and there in lies its charm), just when you are at that stage when you think, all is settled and nothing can rock the boat, it throws a zinger at you and you are zapped!
And that is why i believe in not living by the rules because it then becomes easy to handle what transpires, no preconceived notions or norms to bind in ones reactions....

Friday, August 1, 2008

on a search....

i have often been told that it seems that im forever seeking something - and i got down to thinking about it... do i, do i really seek something, and if i do, do i not need to recognise it for it to be sought... there is only one thing , which when found can stop all your searching and that is nothing, so maybe i seek nothing...
But that is not the whole truth. Most of my life I have been condemned for doing things without a reason. I have always been told, right from my childhood, that i needed to think before acting, to be less impulsive, to weigh out the consequences. But i never could learn to do that. For i have always believed that each moment passes by, in a flash and if i were to spend that period of time thinking, what i thought for , that particular moment, would already have gone. They call this foolishness, the wise always cogitate and then act, whereas i am just the reverse , the thoughts always follow the acts. Its not that im complaining for what I have done or will do, but i wonder how i could have been so excluded from the norms..
And all my life this is the one search which makes me appear restless , i guess. The search to find a kindred soul, someone who could look me in the eye and wink at my foolishness (if that is what it is) and acknowledge that its alright to be this way. I dont seek confirmation for my actions, those dont matter, as dont admonishments. But is it so difficult to find someone who can walk on a different path maybe, but say that yours is ok too. Why must i always be told to take care, to be careful and that it is in my best interest. Is it not in my interest to be what i was created as, so what if it is a clown who 'wears her heart on her sleeve' , a dreamer who Don quixotically tilts at windmills and draws pictures of clouds in the sky when all else are drawing out their umbrellas.
This is perhaps what i seek...the presence of someone who knows me for what i am and doesnt try to reform me for what is right. Will anyone ever accept that life can be lived on a whim; for all the planning and investment that is done, what do we get anyway, a pile of wood to erase us out of existence? And for that im supposed to think before i act, not be impulsive etc.?
And so i seek and always will...there has to be in god's plans one simple one for me to know, once, before i am not, that i can be this way and it is okay. I know that it would require me to be spiritually evolved to realise that it doesnt matter whether someone grants me this cognisance , that the only confirmation lies within, but till i reach that stage, i will continue to seek....

Monday, July 14, 2008



I once saw a little one,
Full of vigour, eager for fun
Dancing in glee, atop a hill
Jumping, seeking his arms to fill
With bundles of white cottony cloud
‘the sky wouldn’t miss its bounty abound!’
Foolish at first appeared his quest
But so catching the spirit and zest
That I found myself beside the dreamer
As keen to gather, be a co-weaver.
Often when in care & worry mired
I have, to be that child aspired
To throw away the burden of rut,
Make a heap of each bolt and nut.
Unsnare a trapped defeated soul
Relinquish claim to any success or goal
To roam the firmament sans care
Revert to that innocence, can you dare?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Angst....?!

I was asked by a friend who apparently read my ‘ramblings’ here, ‘why the angst’, why the ‘my life sucks’ hue of this blog. And I was zapped! Is this what this reads like? I am, I thought, one of the blessed few who are so happy being with themselves, never the need for noise or crowds, I wish I could be more with myself. And this would be possible only if there was no conflict with the self, wouldn’t it? For that one must be happy with what one has or doesn’t. So I want to lay it out loud and clear, there is no angst, agony, pain or whatever going on here or anywhere in my life. I can rewrite my story in exactly the same words. It is true that I love to think or ‘ramble’ as it may be but never to sit judgement on my life. There are bleak moments or times when nothing seems to go my way but all it requires then is for me to change course and go life’s way. Is it what they call flowing with the tide, if yes, then I love to ride the waves. I have often been asked if there is a rainy day in my life and I would like to tell you that I love the rain, so when it rains, I don’t reach for the umbrella, I soak it in…

Monday, June 30, 2008

for no reason...

Why do relationships come with a death wish. There is a purpose behind all that occurs, it is said but in case of a relationship going wrong, what can be the purpose? If one is willing to make the effort to keep it alive and good then why is it that this effort goes unrecognized. And if this be a pattern then can the effort sustain itself? The only purely joyous relationship in life I guess can be the one which one has with ones’ children, at least until they grow into adults and acquire the habit of sitting judgement like all others. Until then they are ready to accept you as the best parent or person in the world and all that you do for them or for your relationship with them is accepted, appreciated and rewarded in the form of the unbiased love that they give. This, perhaps, is the reason we strive all our lives, or at least most of us do, to keep them in that mould for a lifetime, as the little ones who accepted our love as pure and absolute, no questions asked or doubts raised. In all other cases, the extra baggage becomes burdensome and stifling. It is always about having to justify oneself and needing to prove how you have not done one or the other wrong/injustice. Whereas a child will accept even your wrongs as the right thing to have occurred and will still seek the love in your eyes, for all others the love gets filmed over by their own unfulfilled expectations. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could form just one relationship as innocent and non-judgemental in our lives as the one between a parent and child? Wishful thinking I guess….

Friday, June 27, 2008

About betrayal ?

There are times when you feel let down, betrayed but then the easiest thing to do under such circumstances would be to regress into playing a victim and to hold grudges and allow a freefall of negativity into your life. The more difficult option (and one which in my silly quixotic way, I choose to exercise, always) is to realize that maybe in some ways you are the originator of that. The universe is like a boomerang, it gives you nothing but what you have projected. That I guess, is the reason why some people are able to have rocking lives inspite of all odds. Maybe it was your doubts which were projected and the incident/person who appears to be the betrayer is really not responsible. It may sound foolish but take any one incident when you were really sure of yourself and you will realize that things go wrong only when you expect them to. That is the change in thinking or reorientation we all need to bring about for true happiness in our lives. Just be sure of what you want and delete negative connotations such as if or maybe from them and then throw up your wishes to the universe and I’m sure they will come back to you exactly as you envisaged.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

for those who need to know

Have you ever wondered why people crib about the lack of meaningful relationships in their lives. It could be possible that they are themselves responsible bcos they did not have the vision t o see the meaningful ones or to take steps about retaining them. Its not as if some select few are chosen to be endowed while the others are discriminated against. I don’t have a single has-been kind of relation in my life. There is a special mechanism I have which I call my delete button, the moment I realize that im getting no returns in terms of investment being made by the counterparty towards sustenance of the relationship I press that button. Seems harsh and cold, doesn’t it, but I think it is the kindest act one can do, not to let any person become a wound and then a sore but to make a clean break, no questions asked and none answered.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

A small step for me.....

So many clichés to confirm to, the most common being that ‘life should not be taken too seriously’. Makes me wonder, if one doesn’t take one’s life seriously then can anything have that privilege. I can be the cartoon character in everybody’s perception but there is one thing that I always take seriously and that is ‘my life’. Perhaps this is the reason why I cannot understand the carping about life’s infidelity, which goes on incessantly in the case of most people. How many of us are faithful to life, in as much as, do we ever give life a chance? At the smallest of misfortunes, poor life takes the brunt and is blamed and cursed as the perpetrator. Can we think of life as a co-traveller across time, the only one which is faithful till we pass into the beyond (another dimension of time and space, maybe). If yes, then maybe there can be a realization that life is never the perpetrator but as much the victim because it is the one thing for which the word ‘mine’ holds true more than for anything else.
This perhaps is the reason why I consider life to be my dearest friend. And it might seem quixotic but I find no reason to find faults with it ever. Not that there are no grey patches but then life is the companion who takes me past them and always will. Some might call this foolish and unrealistic but that’s the way I choose to be, to make each moment a joyous celebration of my friendship with Life! Want to join me ?