The warmth of winter...

Its my favourite time of the year again. Its time to air the woollies, to remember the smell of moth balls and the cuddly feel of sweaters and shawls waiting to wrap you up in their comforting embrace; somehow it seems as nostalgic as a homecoming.

No other season requires such active participation both in preparation and farewell, it is truly the most majestic of all turns of time, annually. The year tolls its bells to herald that it must go and be replaced by another incumbent soon.

Those of us who need to update our ledger of events cherish this reminder, accompanied as it is, with the irresistible aromas of the wispy mist, crackling nutmegs, crumbly cakes, ambrosiaic coffee et al.

The year gone by has been one of intense trauma, fears, pains, anguish and seemingly endless darkness. At times it seemed as if there would be no letting up. But there is no bitter after taste at all.

All that remains now is the cherished realization that I never thought I had so much patience (having a mind addled with a hundred thoughts at any point of time) or that I would find within such a reservoir of fortitude to face the travails.And Surprisingly, instead of feeling cheated I actually feel enriched.

The year that was will be a watershed in my life. But I will never wish it undone because it helped me to meet not only me (with a pointer to the direction my life must take in the future) but also gave me some of my most emotional and proudest moments…

… Moments when I felt that if I could evoke even half the love that was showered on me (and some of it from most unexpected quarters) each day of every season of my life was well lived and worth it all.

So let the cool winds blow, I’m cocooned forever in the warmth of my life and the lifelines of love that keep me going…

To nurture...

I once planted a rose bush, in a pot, which my daughter had gifted to me (she knows I have a weakness for yellow roses) and my husband (he is the one with ‘green fingers’) helped me in the potting. I dug up the earth in the pot while he carefully placed the tiny sapling in it, covered it with the mud till it was standing safe and erect and then we sprinkled some water on it and kept it away from the direct Sun so that it may find its bearings before being sent out to woo visitors in the garden.

Both of us would then take turns at tending to the tender creature, placing it in the shade when it tended to droop or watering it and adding fertilizer till it grew into a verdant robust foliage. Our pride and effort in nurturing it was equal and without slack. Even now, when it is a fully grown plant we still tend to it so that it continues to flower and be healthy.

But imagine a scenario when either one of us felt that “it is enough to know that I planted it and I will derive my happiness from the fact that it exists (for as long as it does), my job of creation is done and I have nothing more to contribute.”

Would the poor sapling then survive for long, for is it not natural that something which started as a joint effort of ours, if left to be the sole responsibility of one, would take its toll on the toil and joy of the other?

We have been told, by sages down the years, that nurturing a relationship is like tending to a plant in our garden and requires continuing effort in order that it may grow and flourish. And yet, is this not what most of us are doing wrong? We seek a relationship, form one or are gifted one and then somewhere along the way we stop nurturing it. It just is. And therein sets the decay…

Why can’t we see that truly meaningful and happy relationships around us are the ones where the effort continues unabated, in however small a measure, on an everyday basis. People who make them work ‘water’ the lifebreath of their relationship everyday and tending to it is a part of their way of living. It is easy to envy but are we willing to emulate…?

between the heart and mind...

I once took my little child to the seaside. It was an exhilirating experience to stand on the shores and watch the glee on her face as the waves rushed in and tickled her chubby legs with feathers of sand. It also gave me a memory which i recalled just now...
On seeing the continuing dance of the waves she asked me "Do they never rest? Why are they always in motion? Why do they do that, when they know they have no choice but to go back and merge with the ocean?"
Her innocent questions set me thinking. And i thought that at times the movement of the waves seems like a fight for freedom from the embrace of the ocean.They appear to strain to rise higher with a single minded purpose, only to be defeated and lie still in merger with the vastness of the seas. At other times it appears to be like a joyful dance, a celebration of the union, with the ever embracing waters which engulf them and keep them safe.
This brings to my mind the constant source of conflict of most human beings; the war between the heart and the mind. Haven't we all, in our daily lives, felt the need to resolve this conflict? the only difference in the nature of human beings lies in, which is the waves and which the ocean...
In my case, I know that the heart always rules and the mind may makes its attempts to rule or disobey, to break free of the 'bondages' of the heart but it always end s up as a joyous dance of surrender to the embrace of the heart, which is vast, deep and eternal...
But each one of us has to define this paradigm and only then will the conflict be resolved and peace be ours.

it was never yours...

Don Quixote tilted at windmills and traipsed along on his adventures. The world, as it existed in the fictional character's life, laughed and mocked at him. But his character is, by far, one of the most endearing, comic, misguided souls who comes to the mind of this dreamer. But what if this wandering lost soul was removed from the fictional milieu and placed in the realm of reality? He would surely lose his sense of bravado and go into hiding or wear the armour not just on his body but on his soul too..

It is a human instinct to crave for that which one does not possess, not so much maybe in material terms as in character traits. So if you happen to chance upon a soul unbound, a truly free spirit, you instinctively strive to be like that. This could be because, perhaps, this is the one trait which is most difficult to acquire/keep, being mired in the pseudo norms of relationships and bonds.

You may lack the courage to break free from the shackles that bind you but what's to stop you from attaining that elusive trait vicariously. And this is where the unguarded "on my own trip to nowhere" somebody is easy prey.

You latch on to such a person and convince her that in your heart you are as much a lover of freedom, a co-traveller in the seeker's journey and knowing the innate desire in every human being to seek a kindred soul, you feed that desire and lull her into letting her defences down (For isn't fierce freedom a veneer for an inner alone self..).

But if you do not have the strength of spirit or the courage of conviction to go the full mile, have you wondered what you do? You walk away unscathed, having invested but a fraction of your miopic self, back to the trappings which you will forever resent but be snared in nevertheless (which was your 'destiny' maybe) but you leave in your wake a confused, somewhat defeated, if not, embittered soul.

This is the moment of pathos in, an otherwise content life because such a person was never meant to experience these negative emotions. You have, in some measure, embroiled that person in the misfortune of your 'karma'. You have abraded, eroded a soul... And in retrospect there are two questions : a) Why

b) Are you liberated now?

journey's end...

The Weary traveler turned to his guide and said, “You have been with me every step of the way; through all the labyrinthine mazes that that I got lost in, you have brought me on my path again . In the darkest hours of my journey, you have been like a beacon beckoning me onwards and every time my steps faltered and I was on the verge of abandoning my quest you have held my hand and supported me till I found my bearings again…But now I can go on no longer, for I am tired and weary beyond retrieval. I am fatigued by this search for an evanescent place and time when in reality with every step I take the mirage grows distant evermore. And for what purpose must this search continue, when at the end of all our journeys, there lies but one destination. We will all find our resting place in the arms of death. So I wish to cease my relentless struggle now. I want to rest my tired feet and my tortured soul and be in the here and now. I want to be one with all of nature’s elements. I want to feel the soft welcoming ground enveloping me in its warmth, that I may find rest. I want to feel the breeze blow away the sweat of my toils so that I may be refreshed again. I want to feel the glow of the sun which may wipe out the darkness from my soul…I know I may have let you down for you have been a true mentor and guide, helping and showing me the right path but I do not have the will to go on anymore, I surrender. And so I seek your forgiveness for abandoning my quest before the destination.
The guide took the traveler’s hands in his own and said, “It is true that I have been with you in your search for your destination but did I ever tell you where it lay? This, here and now, your realization that this entire struggle was in vain; this is your destination. It was my Endeavour to guide you till you reached this point. I sought to give you the mental fortitude and the physical strength that you would be able to recognize this moment. I will now take leave of you for you need guidance no more. Yu have found your destiny. For each person life is but a series of motions leading to stillness, all that we seek lies within us and all other pursuits are but chasing mirages. And yet how many of us are able to reach the crossroad where we are able to see that life is but an inward journey. You are blessed because you have found your place in the sun and peace shall be yours evermore”

knocking was in vain

There was once a student who asked his teacher, “how can you be so impervious to your surroundings, do you feel no emotions, does no hurt ever touch you, does nothing cause pain to you, how can you be so inanimate?” The teacher replied;
Just as the rain drops tap on the windows so also all that happens around me knocks on my soul, gently at first trying to find its way in, but on finding there is no door, defeated, all emotions rage around me, showing their inadequacy and helplessness, the more their angst in not being allowed entry, the more my resolve to remove myself from them. I would like to take all the anguish and pain in my arms and hold it gently and soothe it, I would like to make it believe that it can cause me no pain beyond that which I have already known - within me ; that it can never take me to a darker hell than where I have been - in my mind. I have relived my sins over and over again until I could recognise them as human follies and absolve myself of them. I have felt pain in every pore of my soul, excruciating and addictive till I have learnt to discard the raiment of anguish and walk away free. The world may think I am heartless and selfish for I feel no oneness with that which surrounds me but I have learnt that my existence means nothing to anyone but me and so I choose to be like an island in the ocean of the happenings and the crowd of that which surrounds me. If I appear inanimate, it is because I have found a world inside me, which is far more beautiful than that which I have ceased to be mired in. I seek no other soul to sanctify my existence and if that be termed as indifference, it matters not to me. I feel emotions, just as all of God’s creations do, but my emotions have no outward expression for there is no need for that. I feel and that is enough. I do not have the desire to exhibit the extent of my feelings. I am impervious to my surroundings because I have sought and found “freedom”. And I can let my soul soar high and free to a place where all this; your questions, the doubts of the world, the stigma of being uncaring , the expectations of reactions or responses – all of it fades away and I can be a silent spectator to the journey of my unfettered soul on the path of life…..

On seeking silence...

There are roadblocks in life but every time you are hit by one, you are taken aback by its magnitude and your helplessness in the act of its removal. Reactions to such situations differ, while some may fret and vent their anger I choose to withdraw…in a way, to retreat into myself and maybe negate its existence. These can be moments for us to introspect, for nothing in this cosmos happens/ exists without a cause. So I would like to know what or how I was responsible in bringing it upon myself. But most times this freedom is not allowed. For, there are relationships and the consequent trappings in the form of questions, responsibilities, explanations. etc. So to seek an escape into oneself also becomes an onerous task, one which does not find sanction in the eyes of another. Living a life by the rule of not seeking sanctions is not possible when one is in a relationship because even tough you may not seek it , the judgements will be bestowed on you nevertheless. Actions will always be placed on a scale and measured as right or wrong. And if you choose not to sit judgement, to let others be, then you would be guilty of either indifference or bias in favour of or against one or the other.
What is my reality; that which the world sees or that which lies deep within me, hidden from the world and often unacknowledged even to myself? The world reacts from their perception of my reality and I choose not to respond or retaliate because I realize that I was not cast in the same mould as most others in the domain. So does one have to be right and the other wrong; can’t the two actions co-exist. If I do not seek to sit judgement on their misconceived perception of me why must I be condemned over and over again?
In each of our souls lies the hope that there would be one, somewhere, who would be as you, and that you would be destined to meet and travel with that person, on your journey without being told which direction was right or wrong. But that hope for understanding is mostly unanswered in full measure…so all I desire now is numbness. I seek no words of approval and those of recrimination touch me only upto a certain point. Beyond that I only yearn for silence, to lay all thought to rest and endeavour to be, just ‘Be’ and in that process of being to find a way around these roadblocks, without frisson or friction, sans emotion or expression; Is it too much to ask for?

cherishing my aloneness...

Today i want to step aside,

I want to stand on the banks of this flow and be able to see

how far does this go, where lies its destiny..

every traveller, however, persistent

must have one such moment

when there is a thought as to the intent..

Today i want to meet life

in an empty room, sans pretense

draw the curtains,

with their myriad motifs and designs

and talk to my heart's content..

Today i want to share my aloneness

dust every nook and corner

unlock every nut and bolt

let the sunlight into my soul

and let all emotion be spent...

The echo to a yearning....

I have not written here for quite some time ... Maybe because when life is following its own course and you are drifting along there seems to be no turbulence and one is lulled into a feeling of peace. But there comes a time, when a sudden current crosses ones path and jolts one out of this somnolescence. And it sometimes surprises you because it just creeps upon you without a warning...Its like hearing voices all around you and you just get adapted to the din until you realise that there is one whose whisper you can hear above all the other clamour and then before you can stop it the words become an echo of the yearnings of your soul...A "yes" to all the unasked questions of life, which were never voiced because you thought they would never be answered. I have this heartfelt desire that my faith is not transient and shall withstand the test of time but even if it doesnt , for having shown me that it is possible, i want to simply say "Thank you".....