on a search....

i have often been told that it seems that im forever seeking something - and i got down to thinking about it... do i, do i really seek something, and if i do, do i not need to recognise it for it to be sought... there is only one thing , which when found can stop all your searching and that is nothing, so maybe i seek nothing...

But that is not the whole truth. Most of my life I have been condemned for doing things without a reason. I have always been told, right from my childhood, that i needed to think before acting, to be less impulsive, to weigh out the consequences. But i never could learn to do that. For i have always believed that each moment passes by, in a flash and if i were to spend that period of time thinking, what i thought for , that particular moment, would already have gone. They call this foolishness, the wise always cogitate and then act, whereas i am just the reverse , the thoughts always follow the acts. Its not that im complaining for what I have done or will do, but i wonder how i could have been so excluded from the norms..

And all my life this is the one search which makes me appear restless , i guess. The search to find a kindred soul, someone who could look me in the eye and wink at my foolishness (if that is what it is) and acknowledge that its alright to be this way. I dont seek confirmation for my actions, those dont matter, as dont admonishments. But is it so difficult to find someone who can walk on a different path maybe, but say that yours is ok too. Why must i always be told to take care, to be careful and that it is in my best interest. Is it not in my interest to be what i was created as, so what if it is a clown who 'wears her heart on her sleeve' , a dreamer who Don quixotically tilts at windmills and draws pictures of clouds in the sky when all else are drawing out their umbrellas.

This is perhaps what i seek...the presence of someone who knows me for what i am and doesnt try to reform me for what is right. Will anyone ever accept that life can be lived on a whim; for all the planning and investment that is done, what do we get anyway, a pile of wood to erase us out of existence? And for that im supposed to think before i act, not be impulsive etc.?

And so i seek and always will...there has to be in god's plans one simple one for me to know, once, before i am not, that i can be this way and it is okay. I know that it would require me to be spiritually evolved to realise that it doesnt matter whether someone grants me this cognisance , that the only confirmation lies within, but till i reach that stage, i will continue to seek....