Saturday, August 1, 2009

On seeking silence...

There are roadblocks in life but every time you are hit by one, you are taken aback by its magnitude and your helplessness in the act of its removal. Reactions to such situations differ, while some may fret and vent their anger I choose to withdraw…in a way, to retreat into myself and maybe negate its existence. These can be moments for us to introspect, for nothing in this cosmos happens/ exists without a cause. So I would like to know what or how I was responsible in bringing it upon myself. But most times this freedom is not allowed. For, there are relationships and the consequent trappings in the form of questions, responsibilities, explanations. etc. So to seek an escape into oneself also becomes an onerous task, one which does not find sanction in the eyes of another. Living a life by the rule of not seeking sanctions is not possible when one is in a relationship because even tough you may not seek it , the judgements will be bestowed on you nevertheless. Actions will always be placed on a scale and measured as right or wrong. And if you choose not to sit judgement, to let others be, then you would be guilty of either indifference or bias in favour of or against one or the other.
What is my reality; that which the world sees or that which lies deep within me, hidden from the world and often unacknowledged even to myself? The world reacts from their perception of my reality and I choose not to respond or retaliate because I realize that I was not cast in the same mould as most others in the domain. So does one have to be right and the other wrong; can’t the two actions co-exist. If I do not seek to sit judgement on their misconceived perception of me why must I be condemned over and over again?
In each of our souls lies the hope that there would be one, somewhere, who would be as you, and that you would be destined to meet and travel with that person, on your journey without being told which direction was right or wrong. But that hope for understanding is mostly unanswered in full measure…so all I desire now is numbness. I seek no words of approval and those of recrimination touch me only upto a certain point. Beyond that I only yearn for silence, to lay all thought to rest and endeavour to be, just ‘Be’ and in that process of being to find a way around these roadblocks, without frisson or friction, sans emotion or expression; Is it too much to ask for?

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