An eternal optimist, always a believer in the essential goodness of life and the decisions that are made for us by a force other than ours, I now find myself standing at a crossroad..even the strongest of faiths are tested at times and I sense myself fighting a lost battle. All around me, all that I held as important or valuable, the foundation of my life, the relationships which have made me what I am today have a strangely noxious miasma engulfing them. And I find myself struggling to breathe...
Much as I strive to detach and find my peace within, however deep I retreat into the world that I hold inside me, I am drawn out by the negativity around me. "This too shall pass...", words that have stood me in good stead now seem to have lost their power, will this pass or will my spirit die because it can stand no more. And which one of the so called ties of my life are able to rise above their own little selves and sense this despair I feel..
Is the design of our lives laid out by destiny or is it the outcome of the choices we make..ageless question and yet I find myself wondering too...It has been my belief that in some way or the other, we have the capacity within, to draw to ourselves what we truly desire or need. And now as I look back on the life that has transpired the only beacon of light that shines is this precious child who is a part of my soul...Where then did it all go so wrong? And how was I not watchful enough to catch it and break the fall?
There is a part of me that still rebels, the one which refuses to accept people saying they have no choice. How can choices end before life does. And I am trying with all that remains of my spirit to hold on to this part..I will not profess to or accept the lack of choices. Maybe it will require every last bit of will power and courage that I have but I cannot let my soul pass on with this sense of unfulfillment. Far too long has my self been subjugate to the wants or whims of others. A life cannot be lived in vain..If it is a gift then it ought to and will be given its due.