cherishing my aloneness...

Today i want to step aside,

I want to stand on the banks of this flow and be able to see

how far does this go, where lies its destiny..

every traveller, however, persistent

must have one such moment

when there is a thought as to the intent..

Today i want to meet life

in an empty room, sans pretense

draw the curtains,

with their myriad motifs and designs

and talk to my heart's content..

Today i want to share my aloneness

dust every nook and corner

unlock every nut and bolt

let the sunlight into my soul

and let all emotion be spent...

The echo to a yearning....

I have not written here for quite some time ... Maybe because when life is following its own course and you are drifting along there seems to be no turbulence and one is lulled into a feeling of peace. But there comes a time, when a sudden current crosses ones path and jolts one out of this somnolescence. And it sometimes surprises you because it just creeps upon you without a warning...Its like hearing voices all around you and you just get adapted to the din until you realise that there is one whose whisper you can hear above all the other clamour and then before you can stop it the words become an echo of the yearnings of your soul...A "yes" to all the unasked questions of life, which were never voiced because you thought they would never be answered. I have this heartfelt desire that my faith is not transient and shall withstand the test of time but even if it doesnt , for having shown me that it is possible, i want to simply say "Thank you".....

watershed..

one would think that a watershed moment would come with some kind of a signal, that there would be some indication that life was about to take a turn...but it kind of creeps upon you and then its suddenly standing before you and you cannot ignore it. There needn't be an earth shattering event which reaches you to it too..Maybe tomorrow it wont seem to matter so much but today i suddenly decided that im through with being nice and considerate and thoughtful and empathetic..not because i find it burdensome because if what you get in return is not the same , at least upto a certain degree then at some point of time you can do nothing but shrug.. and i guess i reached my shrugging stage today. I dont want to be understanding anymore, i want to rave and rant and vent my feelings as and when i feel them. why should i think about the impact it might have on another person. Does the other person think of that, is that a primary or even ancillary concern for them. If yes, then i would not have reached this place. You cannot keep trying to ignore or understand. I dont want to be matured anymore. its just this one life i have and there is no point bottling up my reactions as though i could defer their expression to another spacetime. And i dont really want to express them at all, just to stop giving so completely..so as of now i choose to retreat, not into a shell but to a place where i give only filtered emotions and filtered thoughts.. the rest is mine to keep or trash but i dont want to share it with anyone.

They call it a catharsis when one reaches a state of release and that is what I am feeling too. But a catharsis as the dictionary describes it, is a fallout of an ‘intense emotional experience’. In my case, it is like the clicking of a combination lock, a time to unlock …
There comes a time in life when even the most compulsive of wanderers must lay roots; a time when one has to recognize that all the seeking is in vain because the answers are already there to be read. I wrote some time back here that “I seek because I am” and I want to change that now , “I lay my seeking to rest and I still am”. The restlessness within has found the confirmation it needed to put aside its precipitous wanderings…

not an emotional outburst...

"Love makes exceptions" is a cliched notion oft repeated..but one which i have never been able to understand or follow (and i excuse those of you who are thinking that im on an emotional diatribe but this is a logical analysis of a thought that came to me). Per se it should mean that you are willing to accept or excuse the person you love for anything done or said which does not confirm to your beliefs or expectations.. And if this is right then it fails to register with me. I have no rules or expectations from people i do not love so i have no issues with making any exceptions for them, anything is acceptable when it is people who do not matter simply because it has no impact on me at all. But when it comes to someone i love i do have certain hopes and dreams (even though the enlightened would say that one should live life without expecting or depending on anyone..) and they are the ones who can hurt me if they do not live upto my thoughts. So how then is one expected to make an exception.. what would life be if one was like a rudderless boat, flowing any which way without direction or destination, accepting anything thrown on one by the people who are co-travellers on this journey. If it were a passerby then it matters not what transactions one has with them but if it is someone who has been chosen as a companion in life then it matters what he/she does and im not willing to make any exceptions for them, simply because i hold then in esteem and they need to earn that. Harsh ? Unfeeling? unemotional? maybe but i do so hope that my loved ones don't need me to make exceptions, that they will always be a personification of my desires because i truly believe that love lies in the ability of another person to interpolate and live your dreams with you..

When we talk of love, a corollary - in a relationship between a man and a woman, it is faith and respect that need to be sustained most. And speaking of faith the most common cause of loss of faith is attributed to sexual infidelity. This again is something which i do not understand, if one gives of one's body then one gives so little because it is that part of you which is perishable and only an instrument of interaction with the world. If the man i love were to give his physical self to anyone it would mean nothing other than a mortal need fulfilled but if he were to give away one thought, one dream, one desire that belonged to me, that would make me feel betrayed and i would not be willing to make an exception for that...

On childhood dreams...

I have often wondered why is it that our most cherished dreams are the ones which we dreamt in our childhood. As one grows older the dreams change patterns and we often end up following totally different ones as compared to what we aspired for in those tender years. And if one thinks of them in degrees of fondness then the earliest ones are the most prized and loved. Maybe it could be the innocence that was attached to them is what we seek to nurture , knowing that it is forever lost in the process of growing up, we sanctify what remains of it in the form of those childish fantasies...

Life is so unpredictable (and there in lies its charm), just when you are at that stage when you think, all is settled and nothing can rock the boat, it throws a zinger at you and you are zapped!
And that is why i believe in not living by the rules because it then becomes easy to handle what transpires, no preconceived notions or norms to bind in ones reactions....

on a search....

i have often been told that it seems that im forever seeking something - and i got down to thinking about it... do i, do i really seek something, and if i do, do i not need to recognise it for it to be sought... there is only one thing , which when found can stop all your searching and that is nothing, so maybe i seek nothing...

But that is not the whole truth. Most of my life I have been condemned for doing things without a reason. I have always been told, right from my childhood, that i needed to think before acting, to be less impulsive, to weigh out the consequences. But i never could learn to do that. For i have always believed that each moment passes by, in a flash and if i were to spend that period of time thinking, what i thought for , that particular moment, would already have gone. They call this foolishness, the wise always cogitate and then act, whereas i am just the reverse , the thoughts always follow the acts. Its not that im complaining for what I have done or will do, but i wonder how i could have been so excluded from the norms..

And all my life this is the one search which makes me appear restless , i guess. The search to find a kindred soul, someone who could look me in the eye and wink at my foolishness (if that is what it is) and acknowledge that its alright to be this way. I dont seek confirmation for my actions, those dont matter, as dont admonishments. But is it so difficult to find someone who can walk on a different path maybe, but say that yours is ok too. Why must i always be told to take care, to be careful and that it is in my best interest. Is it not in my interest to be what i was created as, so what if it is a clown who 'wears her heart on her sleeve' , a dreamer who Don quixotically tilts at windmills and draws pictures of clouds in the sky when all else are drawing out their umbrellas.

This is perhaps what i seek...the presence of someone who knows me for what i am and doesnt try to reform me for what is right. Will anyone ever accept that life can be lived on a whim; for all the planning and investment that is done, what do we get anyway, a pile of wood to erase us out of existence? And for that im supposed to think before i act, not be impulsive etc.?

And so i seek and always will...there has to be in god's plans one simple one for me to know, once, before i am not, that i can be this way and it is okay. I know that it would require me to be spiritually evolved to realise that it doesnt matter whether someone grants me this cognisance , that the only confirmation lies within, but till i reach that stage, i will continue to seek....