life is my best friend!

I will be free

2012-01-24T18:21:00.000+05:30

You think you know me

but its just a fleeting glimpse

you may try to capture me

but I am a woman

I will be free

and that is the way it ought to be

You think you own me

but its just slipping sand

you may try to hold me

but i am a woman

I will be free

and that is the way it is meant to be

You think you can tame me

but its a deceptive stance

you may try to rein me

but i am a woman

I will be free

and that is how it will always be

You think you can woo me

but emotions lie deep within

you may try to bind me

but i am a woman

I will be free

and you should better let that be

You think you can hurt me

but its defeated by resilience

you may try to break me

but i am a woman

I will be free

and you have no choice but to let it be

बदलती राहें

2012-01-19T23:23:00.000+05:30

ज़िन्दगी के एक मोड़ पर

एक राह हमने चुनी थी

और भी कई राहें थीं

जो उस मोड़ पर छोड़ी थीं..

बड़े खुशनुमा नज़ारे थे,

रफीक भी कई हमारे थे,

हाथ बढ़ा कर तोड़ लें

बस इतनी ही दूर तारे थे..

फिर जाने कैसी हवा चली,

फिज़ा कुछ यूँ बदल गयी

हर नफ्ज़ जैसे घुट सी गयी

हर कदम पर ज़िन्दगी थम गयी..

ख़ामोशी में आवाज़ें गूंजती रहीं,

अजनबी आँखें कुछ इल्ज़ाम देती रहीं,

हौसला मुह छुपा जा बैठा कहीं,

किसी तमन्ना ने भी दस्तक दी नहीं..

हर दरीचे को खुद बंद कर,

रौशनी से किनारा कर,

हम भी कुछ यूँ मिट गए,

अंधेरों में बस सिमट गए...

पर आरज़ुओं की अपनी उम्र होती है,

वो हकीकत से बस बेफिक्र होती हैं,

एक दिन हमसे मुखातिब होकर,

आईने की धूल मिटाकर,

ऐसी ही एक ख्वाइश ने

कहा, तुम में ही रहती हूँ मैं

चलो इन गलियों को छोड़कर,

फिर नए इस मोड़ पर,

एक नई राह चुनें

कुछ रंगीन सपने फिर बुनें...

देखो हर शब् के उस पार,

फैला है एक किरणों का हार,

सूरज की सीढ़ी पर आओ चढ़ें,

ज़ुल्मत की दीवार फांद लें...

तुम कैसे यूँ मुन्किर हो गए,

हौसले से क्यूँ फ़कीर हो गए,

शमा रोज़ जल के यूँ तो खाक़ होती है,

पर उसकी किस्मत फिर भी पाक होती है..

समेट कर ज़हन के उधडे पैराहन,

आज फिर से संभाला है अपना मन,

राहें आगे और भी कई हैं

जो आज यहाँ हमने छोड़ी हैं,

और ज़िन्दगी के इस मोड़ पर

सहमा हुआ एक कदम बढ़ाकर,

एक राह फिर चुनी है....

maqbool

2012-01-03T23:27:00.000+05:30

तुम ना चाहो तो क्या हम बदल जायेंगे

मुहब्बत का अजल कब आदिल ही है

तुम हासिल हो भी जाओ तो कहाँ ले जायेंगे

अपनी ही गली से अरसों कहाँ गुज़रे ही हैं

हम तन्हा इन सिरात से गुज़र जायेंगे

उम्रे चाहत हर पल मुसलसल अबद ही है

उनको मिल कर लगा हम कुछ पिघल जायेंगे

गुज़रे मौसमों की खुश्की पर अब भी दिल में ही है

हमको मालूम है रंग सारे अफसुर्दा हो जायेंगे

थके हुए दिन को स्याह की गोद मकबूल ही हैं

वफ़ा जो ना की तो शायद बेगज़ल रह जायेंगे

लफ्जे हयात तो फुर्क़ते ग़म से मुख्तार ही है

(अजल = fate, आदिल = just, सिरात = roads, अबद = infinite,endless, अफसुर्दा = fade, मकबूल = acceptable,

हयात = life, फुरक़त = parting, seperation, मुख़्तार = free)

Happy new year!

2011-12-30T14:57:00.001+05:30

Faceless void, rapacious throng

jostling bodies, pulsating song

Bacchus entrailed minds

strobe lighting that blinds

words uttered, meanings drowned

strangers all, though friends abound

arrhythmic, gyrating the moves

predatory stance of wolves

lives fragmented, delusions of gaiety

facile bonds, sacrificed to frailty

time stands like a sentinel

and yet futile they revel

the clock strikes the midnight hour

they ring out one, bring in another...

saraab...

2011-12-30T01:13:00.001+05:30

इस सफ़र का मुक़म्मल अंजाम नहीं तो क्या

ये कारवाँ इत्त्फाकन उस गली से गुज़रा तो सही

उनकी महफ़िल में अब हम अजनबी तो क्या

रिफाक़त की उम्रे गुरेज़ाँ से वाकिफ हुए तो सही

उनकी जानिब अब लफ्ज़ किसी और के तो क्या
हमें अर्जे हालात नहीं, ख़ामोशी की बहाली तो सही

आईना चूर हुआ, अक्स बेशक्ल हुआ तो क्या
चंद लम्हात को हम खुद से मुखातिब हुए तो सही

वो जो हमें सह़ाब लगे, सराबे सहरा निकले तो क्या
खुश्क दरिया में लहू बहा सफीनों को साहिल दिया तो सही

(रिफाक़त = friendship, उम्रे गुरेज़ाँ = short life, बहाली = freedom, मुखातिब = face to face, सह़ाब = clouds,
सराब = mirage , सहरा = desert, सफीना= boat)

In Passing...

2011-12-30T00:27:00.001+05:30

How deep the abyss,

for hopes to be interred..

how scathing the rapier,

for dreams to be shred..

how dense the darkness,

for fate to be endured..

how shallow the words,
for faith to be doused..
how fleeting the moment,
for time to be rued..
how frail the threads,
for ties to be rend...

dastoor..

2011-12-23T00:16:00.002+05:30

यह वक़्त का कैसा दैरीने दस्तूर है

ज़िन्दगी मुसलसल रिश्तों से मजबूर है

चारागरी लफ़्ज़ों की ज़र्ब पे यूँ तो ज़रूर है
पर जो रिसता है वो दिल में छिपा नासूर है

हिम्मत का कैसा ये बदगुमान गुरूर है
फलक लगे जिसे बस चंद कदम दूर है

आँखों में इम्काने उड़ान -ए- तुयूर है
पर क़दमों तले रेज़ा -ओ- ख्वाबे चूर है

परस्तिश का कैसा ये महवे सुरूर है
मुन्किर को भी बुत से वफ़ा मंज़ूर है

तीरगी किस्मत की कौन सी वफूर है
अब तो ज़ुल्मत में जुग्नूयों से भी नूर है

(दैरीना = old, मुसलसल = continuously, चारागरी = treatment, ज़र्ब = wound, इमकान = possibility, तुयूर = bird, रेज़ा = piece, परस्तिश = prayer, ज़ुल्मात, तीरगी = darkness)

Khalish..

2011-12-04T19:58:00.000+05:30

सारे रिश्ते छूट जाएँ भी तो

दर्द से तर्के मरासिम मुमकिन नहीं ?

वफ़ाए तिश्नगी से बहल जाएँ भी तो

वक्ते दैरीना से मजबूर कब दिलगीर नहीं?

ग़म पे पिन्दारे शिकस्त का गुमान जो

आँधियों पे शमा की सक़त की बस काविश ही?

इनागीर ने बख्शी तारीके पारीना जो

ये चश्म बेगिर्या पर खलिश यूँ ही सही?

ये पादाशे किस्मत आम है, समझाएं वो

पर दोशीना-ए-तीरगी ताउम्र हो, क्या यह वफूर नहीं?

मुसलसल शिकस्तो रेज़ा ये रूह होती हो

और किसी ग़मगुसार को इस आह की तौकीर नहीं?

(तर्के मरासिम = breaking of relationship, तिश्नगी = hope, दैरीना = past, दिलगीर = sad, पिन्दार = arrogance, सक़त = force/power, काविश = attempt, इनागीर = one holding the reins, पारीना = that which has passed by, बेगिर्या = without tears, पादाश = punishment, दोशीना = bedroom, तीरगी = darkness, वफूर = extreme, मुसलसल = continuous, शिकस्त = defeat, रेज़ा = pieces, ग़मगुसार= partner in sadness, तौकीर = respect )

An ode to a lost friend..

2011-11-22T22:46:00.001+05:30

Like the wispy mist that lingers

amongst the dark dense foliage

even though the sun shines bright..

Like dawn's strong steady fingers

sifting through the cloudy plumage

to pry open the doors of night...

Like the lone star that flickers

uncowering, undaunted its courage

long after darkness has taken flight..

Like spring's last flowering asters

upright in their sprightly carriage

haunting the mind's eye with delight...

Like the raindrop that glitters

before surrender to earth's bondage

moving the soul; its destined plight...

memory within me glimmers

of every soul that left the harborage;

a beacon in my heart ever alight..

namanzuri..

2011-11-14T22:14:00.004+05:30

जब कुर्ब का अंजाम बस कर्ब ही हो

तो खिल्वते ग़म ही मंज़ूर रहे

जिस की बज़्म में हर नज़्म महरूम हो

उस से बस फासलये हिज्र ही रहे

जिस उनवान में तारीक़ तमाम हो

ऐसी इब्तदा को तिश्नगी ही नसीब रहे

जब इबादत का खुदा बस संग ही हो

तो रुस्वते काफिर ही मंज़ूर रहे

जिसकी आश्नाई में इश्क बस मुन्तजिर ही हो

उस मरासिम को तुर्बत ही मंज़ूर रहे

जिस मंजिल का रास्ता ही गुम हो
उस पर काफिले क्यूँ कर गुज़र रहे
जब मुक़द्दर लकीरों में ही सिमटा हो
ऐसी किस्मत को दोज़ख ही मंज़ूर रहे
जो जज़्बात सुखन की कफस में ही हो
अब उसे वजूदे सराब ही मंज़ूर रहे

(कुर्ब = closeness, कर्ब = sorrow, खिलवाते ग़म = sorrow of seperation, उनवान = beginning,
संग = stone, मुन्तजिर = in waiting, तुर्बत = grave, सुखन = thoughts, कफस = prison, सराब = mirage)

racing..

2011-11-06T19:09:00.000+05:30

F-1 has been the flavour of the season in the Indian Subcontinent this year. Everyone who is or seeks to be someone was out there, looking for a piece of the action. I can understand the presence of celebrities; it provides them with a huge canvas to market their product i.e. themselves. Then there are the car lovers who, with all their passion for the machines, would just be as happy to gape at them sans the race or the smell of burning rubber or the sound of screeching tyres. But what of the common lot, clueless about the make of the car or the driver within, the nuances of the race and the history thereof? Was it just the adrenalin rush that drove them in hordes to the track, to cough up whatever their pockets could and maybe not even get a glimpse up close of the race or the racers?

As I see it, arent we at a micro level doing exactly that in our lives; racing around tracks all our lives. Maybe it is the identification to this subconscious admittance that drives us to the races. The difference of course lies in the fact that, in a car race as this, we can be observers and derive our thrills from the dangers , the twists and turns being undertaken by others. Wouldnt it , however, be equally exciting if we could learn to do that in the race of life that most of us are a part of? The perils and risks then wouldn't threaten us so and we would be free to just watch from a detached vantage point and laud at the finishing line instead of dreading it or ruing the outcome. This race would then have no losers at all...

....

2011-10-23T23:51:00.000+05:30

When there is nothing and no one else, there is Silence. The one companion who is but a thought away. In the midst of every strife, in all of one's traumas or the most peaceful or joyful times, the moment I cherish most is when I am able to step away from it all, with just silence besides and inside of me and feel the intensity right down to my soul. If I were to assign imagery to silence, to give it a form, I would think of it as a cloud. A warm, billowing, soothing , downy cloud that envelops and gathers one in its midst. It cushions the heart and heals from all hurt and malice, it protects, providing an armour against deception and betrayal and it moistens the calcification in one's soul, built by the vagaries of human temperaments and transactions.

In the evergrowing aural tempo of the world, I have found it increasingly difficult to commune with Silence. The ethereal silence of each breaking dawn which is like a remnant of divinity is fragmented by the ringing of bells in temples, the chanting of mantras, the singing of bhajans etc. ; all supposed means of salvation or the source of finding the fount of eternal peace! A Silent person per se is looked at askance; there is either an aura of mystery, aloofness or lack of intelligence attached. A common question when someone is silent - "Is everything OK?" . It is beyond my comprehension how one can not be 'Okay' in wilful silence. If silence is to be a by-product of solitude, I would willingly choose to isolate myself from the trappings of a world so enchanted by oral acoustics and retreat to a place where there is a minimised need for empty words.

However, since there are acts to perform, duties to fulfil and roles to confirm to, this option is not easily available. So I have built an alternate world inside of me, a kind of parallel reality and while the functional part of me dwells in the so called 'real' world, the real 'ME' lives in that world of my creation. And it is here that I can retreat to, at any time, any place, from any situation. I can view, from the vantage point of the everlasting Silence that exists there, all that happens with me in the real world. I have learnt to step outside of myself and be an observer to my own life from my alternate reality, accompanied by faithful Silence to calm and engulf me with its reassuring presence. All of the cosmic manifestations then seem to be in unison with a greater whole and Silence is the door that shall lead me through, to the other side...

qaid..

2011-10-22T01:28:00.000+05:30

ज़िन्दगी का एक अँधेरा कमरा है

वहां है मेरा कुछ खोया हुआ सामान भी

पैबंद लगी वक़्त की चादर से ढका है

हिफाज़त से छुपा हुआ सब, अब भी

इक टूटी हुई तिरछी सी अलमारी है

जिसका कोई भी खाना ख़ाली नहीं

हर पिंजरे में क़ैद कोई कहानी है

अरसों हुए बीत गयी,अब तक गुजरी नहीं

इक घुटी हुई सिसकती सी आवाज़ है

चंद ज़ख्म, कुछ नासूर, हमलावार खंजर भी

आँखों से टपका लाचार सा एक मोती है

रिश्तों की डोरें, उनमे पड़ी सब गिरहें भी

इक बिखरा बचपन कहीं उदास बैठा है

लिए सवाल कई, हासिल जिसको जवाब नहीं

आवारा सी भटकती बेचैन जवानी है

हर मोड़ पर गुमराह, मिली जिसे मंजिल नहीं

किसी का उधार का एक खिलौना है

एक पुरानी किताब, कोरे औराक़ अब भी

बेलगाम उडी थी, ऐसी बेबस कटी पतंग है

चुभते हुए कुछ खर हैं, गुल के इंतज़ार में अब भी

आईने की दरारों में एक अन्जान शक्ल है

कुछ क़दमों के निशाँ, मंजिल तक जो पहुंचे नहीं

किसी कोने में सहमा हुआ मेरा इक ख्वाब है

सायों से वो मरासिम,जिनके थे कोई वजूद नहीं

जाने क्यूँ आज इस देहलीज़ पर नज़र पड़ी है

ज़माना हुआ पर दस्तक-इ-इंतज़ार में है अब भी

अन्दर कहीं एक दहकता हुआ दिल भी है

कुर्बत की चाह में पर तगाफुल-इ-नसीब अब भी

firaaq

2011-10-10T23:26:00.002+05:30

तुमने भी इस अफ़साने को अजब सा मोड़ दिया है

ऐतबार से हमारा कुछ इस तरह रिश्ता तोड़ दिया है

जाने वाले तो चले ही जाते हैं मगर

तुमने सरे आम एक मरासिम को नीलाम किया है

हमने कब मजबूरियों का तुम्हारी हिसाब किया है

हर शर्ते वफ़ा की गिरफ्त से तुम्हे आज़ाद किया है

गर्दिशे अय्याम समझते रहे मगर

तुमने तो उल्फत की हर रस्म को उजाड़ दिया है

वस्ल से अब हमें इस हद तक बेज़ार कर दिया है

फ़िराक़ का ताउम्र हमें यूँ मोमन कर दिया है

राहे निजात मिल भी जाये मगर

तुमने राह बदलते रहने में दानाई का सबक दिया है

Interludes etc.

2011-10-01T14:26:00.001+05:30

In some symphonies, like in plays, there are interludes. Their beauty lies in the fact that they are and still are not, a part of the composition but help the audience to cross over to the other half. In the canvas of an artist's creation, what the onlooker beholds is the subject or object of the creation. But there lies a backdrop, a motif or pattern which enhances the value of the subject. This is the beauty often overlooked by many. When the autumn leaves fall away they evoke a sense of nostalgia, like the parting of a dear friend because in that last resplendent raiment of the trees, one senses that though new ones will come back, those that were, never will. When two ships pass at sea, they dip their beacons in a kind of salute and move on. If you have stood on the deck and watched, it isn't just about a ship that sailed away, it sometimes feel like a friend lost forever in the vast expanse. I have a home on the hills and when I stand on the mountaintop, under the clear star bedecked sky, I feel as if I could reach out and catch the stars and keep them in a box by my bed to twinkle through the night for me. And yet there is one star one could never hold or reach out to; the shooting star. You see it fall and then look around to see where it could be but you can never relive that moment again. And the shooting star remains for us as enigmatic as it always was. When it rains one can feel , smell and sense the satiation of the earth and feel nourished by it in turn. And yet what charms us most on a rainy day is that multi splendoured bow that springs up across the sky and beckons with its warmth and glow.
There is an underlying pattern to all these feelings. It is our sense of reverence for that which is evanescent. It is the nostalgia evoked by whatever is fleeting. Our most poignant thoughts are then not attached with permanence but with the transient. This could be an extension of our realisation that in the master plan we are as ephemereal and infinitesimal as a shooting star, a rainbow or a ship that sails by. And yet we are happy to strive all our lives to convert everything into a state of permanence...
Sameness brings a semblance of security to most souls. In that process, every moment of every day , which is unique by itself loses its individuality and is adorned by the garb of routine or rote. So also for relationships; all supposedly meaningful relationships must confirm to a pattern and be governed by set of dos and donts. And then we lament the demise of the spontaneity or the initial euphoria...
Wouldn't it be better to sometimes just step away from it all and be the beholder- to see the beauty of the backdrop rather than dwell on the subject, to remember the multicolored hues that were and retain the sense of nostalgia and wonder, to hold the memory in one's heart rather than to tie another down with stereotypes and mores..

intezaar

2011-09-25T11:28:00.000+05:30

हम शिकवा करना ना सीख सके

उन्हें लगा हमे आशिकी का सलीका नहीं

कांपते हाथ जो दस्तक दे ना सके

उन्हें लगा हम उनके दीदारो- मुन्तज़िर नहीं

ठहरे कदम दहलीज़ पार कर ना सके

उन्हें लगा हम उनकी गली से गुज़रे नहीं

दुआ भी करें जो सर झुका के

उन्हें लगे की हमसा कोई मुन्किर नहीं

अब जो इंतज़ार में खामोश बैठें हैं

वो समझते हैं की हमसा कोई बेज़ार नहीं

आज मयखाने तक जो पहुँच गए

फिर काबे तक की राह का हौसला नहीं

ilteja

2011-09-24T18:06:00.000+05:30

एक पाक हमसफ़र था मेरा

तुम्हारी आशनाई की रौशनी तले

कहीं हो गया जो जुदा मुझसे

हर एक शमा बुझा जाओ

पर मेरी वो तन्हाई लौटा जाओ

एक कोरा सा कागज़ था मेरा

तुम्हारे इकरार के जूनून से

लिखे उस पर कुछ फ़साने नए

हर एक हर्फ़ मिटा जाओ

पर मेरा वो अधूरा सा मन लौटा जाओ

एक थमा हुआ समुन्दर था मेरा

तुम्हारे एहसास के तूफ़ान से

उठे सैलाब जिसकी गहराई में

हर एक लहर दफना जाओ

पर मेरा ठहरा हुआ दिल लौटा जाओ

एक बेदाग़ सा आइना था मेरा

छिपाए हुए कई चेहरे मेरे

कुछ अंदाज़ तुमने भी देखे थे

हर एक तस्वीर मिटा जाओ

पर मेरा वो भूला अक्स लौटा जाओ

एक बेरंग सा उफक था मेरा

तुमने कुछ तारे जड़े

हमने भी शरर रौशन किये

हर एक महताब फूंक जाओ

पर मेरी वो स्याह सी रात लौटा जाओ

एक बहका हुआ अब्र था मेरा

दामन में मोती समेटे हुए

तुमने भी कुछ पिरोये थे

हर एक बूँद वो उड़ा जाओ

पर मेरा वो आवारा ख्वाब लौटा जाओ

rukhsat

2011-09-24T12:15:00.001+05:30

मंजिल पर रहे नजर तुम्हारी हमेशा

पर मील के पत्थर का भी रहे अंदेशा

जब किसी नए मोड़ पर कदम तुम बढ़ाना

गुज़रे मुसाफिर को आखरी सलाम भी देना...

ज़िन्दगी भी अजीब से मंज़र दिखाती है

कभी गुलशन तो कभी बंजर हो जाती है

तुम इसके सराबों में ना भहक जाना

हकीकत के हर पल का हक़ पर चुका जाना..

उस गली से फिर गुज़रना मुश्किल होगा

उसकी पहचान से भी अब मुकारना होगा

हिजाब के पीछे छुपी शक्ल से इनकार कर देना

पर माज़ी की तस्वीरें सब रेज़ा रेज़ा कर जाना..

सरगोशी की बातें तो अब कहानियां हैं
ख्वाबों में ही बस मिलती रानाइयां हैं

तसव्वुर की आशनाई से किनारा कर लेना

रवानगी पर मगर महबूब को इशारा कर देना...

Always

2011-09-22T13:32:00.000+05:30

When the smile on my face

has lost its grace

and faded into a memory

with a sepia tinted hue

I'll still be smiling

knowing the sun shines on you

and lights up your days

guiding you on your destined ways..

When the thoughts I share

are just yesterday's fare

and remain as mere words

once cherished and heard

I'll still be thinking

sharing your precious mind

hoping for you to find

a way to the stars, riding the wind...

When the song of my soul

seems jaded and droll

and no longer make you dance

the chords just strain and stop

I'll still be singing

hearing the music that makes you hop

wishing you a symphony

to bring blissful music and harmony...

When the love of my heart

is no longer of you, a part

and you paint new pictures

leaving behind this hazy sketch

I'll still be loving

praying for the angels to fetch

a radiant halo from their fold

to engulf you with care and there to hold...

A missive..

2011-09-22T13:17:00.000+05:30

Dear Heart,

Let the sun shine through. It breaks me to see you so sad and blue. You need never be lonely for I'll be there, on the other side of every moment, every day.Give me your pain and I'll wish it all away. When I was sent to this world, to live in this form and frame, I'm sure HE thought I would never know, just the same, but I knew I wasn't whole. He kept back a part of my soul. I yearned to find the words to complete my thoughts, to create a rhapsody that would unravel the mysterious notes. And then you came along, with that beautiful smile and a twinkle in your eye. Since then I have felt my life fulfilled and if I had wings I would surely fly.

My world needs no other presence because you being in it was the completing sentence. Take my faith and erase that sorrow ; we will build ourselves a wondrous tomorrow. When the mind is in a knot and in life's maze you are lost, take a moment, step back and recognise - that is not real, only karma in disguise. You know where you want to go and who you want to be so unentangle, unchain and set yourself free.

Behold yourself from my eyes and all else will fade away; the bitterness, hurt and lies. Life has a myriad of designs, motifs and patterns but don't be misguided by fireflies posing as lanterns. Let faith be the beacon that guides your ways and you will reach your rightful place.

So dear heart, don't give up hope, don't fret, frown or mope. Bring back the smile that lights my day and night. Go slay your demons, you need no arms or weapons, for you have my love, in all its might..

spinning dreams..

2011-09-21T16:12:00.000+05:30

I walk the beach,

Weaving designs in the sand,
The sea comes riding in
And dancing, takes my footprints away…

I walk the valleys,
Soaking fragrances in my soul,
But the seasons change and
All the colours, scents fade away….

I walk the mountains,
Trap the wind close to my heart,
But with a gentle whisper,
It slowly seeps and flies away…

I fly the skies,
Gathering cotton clouds in my arms,
But the sun sends its marshals,
And my treasure is hauled away….

I walk in the rain,

Collecting pearls in my eyes,
But ruthless life sends pain,
And one by one they trickle away….

I walk in the sunshine,

Wreaths of rainbows in my hair,
But the stoic night marches in,
And stealthily blows them all away…

So I dwell in the land of dreams
Building castles out of sand,
Etching footprints on slippery land,
The sea stands, a sentry aloof
The clouds paint pictures on my roof
Fragrance seeps in every nook & recess
Night, a soft downy curtain lace,
Raindrops, like pearls on windows
Sunlight makes lamps of rainbows
If so ethereal be the world of make believe
Then why be there a desire to leave
Let me rest in my fool’s paradise
Away from reality’s prying eyes….

Slay that dragon

2011-09-19T20:11:00.000+05:30

There is a phenomenon happening in the minds of new India, both young and old and for want of better terminology, it could be called a "Commitment Issue". Extended a little further, when one looks around and sees relationships (including live-in arrangements and marriages, both recent and of several years' duration) falling apart like a house of cards, one could gather that there are also several "Issues with Commitment" which seem to be the wind blowing away at the bedrock of relationships.

Why then this miasma attached to the word "Commitment"? An oft used quote is , "Man is a social animal". If that be the case, social interactions and the accoutrements that accompany them should come instinctively to us, whatever be the state of our evolution or status. All our childhood days we are nurtured by a family and familial bonding do entail commitments and yet the moment we reach adulthood, capable of making our own choices, this is the one choice that most people today find easiest to abrogate ? We offer our commitment readily to various other recipients whether it be parents, siblings, friends, colleagues et al. The problem (except for specific instances where it may stem from history) then lies in the word as seen in the context of a non-platonic association.

The reason would not be obscure to ascertain , if one were to step back and look at the 'typical' examples of relationships of this nature around us. At the start you would see two individuals who are capable of functioning effectively but independently, dealing with life's designs in their own unique manner, taking onus for their own acts, celebrating or ruing the outcomes of their choices/actions. Put cupid into plan and you have these very individual souls yearning for companionship (much more intense than comradeship) and the seed of a "relationship" or "emotional trapeze act" is sown.

After the initial euphoria of discovering and exploring the unknown (as is inherent to almost every reasonably intelligent human mind) wears off, one sees a paradigm shift happening : Independence often has to be sacrificed at the altar of Indulgence to another. There would be nothing catastrophic about it if it did not require a complete metamorphosis of one's priorities, desires, preferences and so on; fine tuning vs changing the tune altogether.

A relationship would require atleast two persons and rightfully this should mean sharing - happiness or worries thereby adding or reducing the sum. But what we actually shrug is our own burdens; the onus suddenly shifts to another person to be there when needed, to take over in all times of crises and to even think on one's behalf (And heaven help if the outcome of that thought process is undesirable!). How does a relationship transform a person from a distinct entity to a vacuous amoeba like formless being, needed to take the shape and form as per another's whims ( a little extreme, I agree but the picture pans out such).

This negation of individualism to the so called wholeness of a twosome could be the root cause of the issue. The culprits, of course, may vary in turn from lack of compatibility to non-fulfilment of expectations, different thought processes, adjustment concerns etc. But the essence lies in recognising that the real dragon to be slain lies within. One has to have the courage to admire the man in the mirror and be prepared to walk the path of a lone ranger within oneself, respecting that another may also have the same desire and that boundary need never be transgressed.

Meeting of soul mates can happen without the merging of two individual personas into one, because when such fusion takes place a little abnegation takes place in each of the two. If I have within me a halo of love for 'myself' let me nurture that and respect it in another too so that the accompaniment of someone on my journey will not be an intrusion or invasion but will enlarge that circle to engulf one more; Two stars that twinkle with their own individual light without fear of blowing or fading out the irridiscence of the other.....

marasim..

2011-09-17T00:17:00.000+05:30

ज़िन्दगी दो हिस्सों में बटी हुई सी है

दिन और रात के बीच कटी हुई सी है
कहते हैं मरासिम जिन्हें दुनिया वाले
सराब ही हैं बस दिल बहलाने वाले

कुछ अधूरे रिश्ते सुबह की आड़ में जागते हैं
घरों से मुखौटों के पैराहन ले निकलते हैं
एक नकली दुनिया के शहज़ादे बन फिरते हैं
रात को अपनी हकीकत में सिमट सो जाते हैं

कुछ और अधूरे रिश्ते रात के अंधेरों में भटकते हैं
जुगनू हैं पर खुद को फलक पर चमकते तारे कहते हैं
नींदों के भूले ख्वाबों से खानाबदोश होते हैं
सहर होने पर हकीकत से मुह चुरा छुप जाते हैं

इनके इस फरेब में हमने पड़ना छोड़ दिया है
अधूरेपन से पूरा होने का अरमान कब किया है
इन सारी गिरर्हों को एक उम्र पहले खोल दिया है
रिश्तों के कारोबार से खुद को आज़ाद किया है

ijazat..

2011-09-14T22:17:00.000+05:30

वो कारवां था, गुज़र ही गया है

वो मुसाफिर था, कहाँ ठहरा है

हम ही राहों में कुछ ऐसे अटके हैं

जैसे सदियों से रूहें यूँ ही भटके हैं

अब ना वफ़ा की हमको गुज़ारिश है

सावन नहीं, ये बमौसम की बारिश है

अब्र तो फितरत से होते आवारा हैं

इनको कब एक ही मुकाम गवारा हैं

ज़िन्दगी तू बस इतनी इजाज़त दे

अब इस दिल को ना कोई हसरत दे

उनको मुबारक रंगीन मेंह्फिलें हैं

हमारे बस यही बेमंज़िल काफिले हैं

sauda

2011-09-10T22:33:00.001+05:30

चलो आज एक ऐसा भी सौदा करते हैं

अपना हर्ज़, तुम्हारा फायदा करते हैं

जाते हुए मुसाफिर को जैसा नेमत देते हैं

तुम्हारी सारी अमानतें तुम्हे लौटा देते हैं

वो उस रात की पहली बात जो अफसाना बन गयी

वो उस सुबह की मुलाक़ात जो पहचान बन गयी

वो हर रोज़ का पल जो इंतज़ार का शहीद था

वो कुर्बत का एहसास जो हमेशा वहीद था

कुछ अनकहे वादे जो पेशानी की लकीर से थे

कुछ खामोश मंज़र जो राह के फकीर से थे

मेरी वो अधूरी ग़ज़लें जो वक़्त से उधार में थीं

मिटती हुई लकीरें जो नसीब के इंतज़ार में थीं

मजबूरियां जो हाथ मलती हुई मिट गयीं

तनहाइयाँ जो तुम्हारी राह देखती रह गयीं

वो सोच के दायरे जिन्हें तुम पार कर न सके

वो ख्वाब हमारे, जिन्हें हम क़त्ल कर न सके

इनसे दामन भर लो, ये सब अब तुम्हारे हैं

हमको तूफ़ान मंज़ूर, तुम्हारे सब किनारे हैं

बस तिजारत में इस अधूरे फ़साने को अंजाम दे जाओ

और इस दिल में जलती शमा को स्याह-इ-तमाम दे जाओ

nazm..

2011-09-09T22:36:00.000+05:30

जाने क्यूँ भटकती सी रहती है

मेरे लफ़्ज़ों में अटकती सी रहती है

कभी बंद दरवाज़ों से टकराती है

हवाओं में बेजान सी लहराती है

कुछ हर्फ़ समेट के ले आती है

फिर खुद ही बिखर जाती है

वक़्त की गर्द हटाकर झांकती है

फिर सारी तस्वीरें खुद मिटाती है

रात सिरहाने के नीचे ख्वाब ढूँढती है

सुबह उन्हें कहीं छुपा आती है

यूँ तो मेरे करीब ही रहती है

पर अजनबी सी अक्सर मिलती है

उसकी बेरुखी कुछ शिकायत करती है

जाने किसकी बेवफाई याद दिलाती है

मेरी सिर्फ वो एक नज़्म ही तो है

फिर क्यूँ खुदी से अज़म हो जाती है

?

2011-09-09T21:39:00.000+05:30

For those of you who read my blogpost titled "Lost for Words", I have a sad ending to the story. I was able to get the lady customer, I spoke about, speak to her son, which her daughter (the one who used to beat her up) wouldn't allow her to do. And to my great relief she left to be with her son who is settled abroad.

The daughter, who was also a customer of the branch, was seen at times therafter, when she would come to withdraw money. A pretty looking girl, delicate of structure and very soft spoken ; one would think she suffered from a split personality syndrome, if one were to know the extent of her cruelty. I almost felt sorry for her at times, knowing that the victim of a mental disorder cannot be blamed as a culprit of wrongs done in fits of insanity. But I had been witness to the helplessness of a frail old lady and the pain wrought upon her by the merciless, mindless acts of this person and could never forget that on seeing her.

And then yesterday when I read the morning newspaper, I was aghast. This very girl had moved in with one of her relatives, an old lady who was a retired school teacher, who was known for the kindness of her heart and the generosity of her spirit. On finding this girl, alone and bereft, not mentally stable too, she took her into her home and nurtured her like a daughter, after her own mother had left India.

And then two days back, in a fit of insane rage, this poor woman was butchered to death, with a knife, by this girl, who later admitted to her crime. The shock of seeing her picture in the newspaper was accompanied by a silent prayer for the poor kind soul who had given her a home and also a thought that the poor old lady who had left before it was too late, was safe and sound. My heart was filled with pity for the girl though, who maybe did not even realise what madness drove her to do. I wondered how her mother would react to to the news and i was overwhelmed with sadness for this lady who would have to suffer all over again, knowing that her child was found guilty of such a heinous crime.

In office today then, I was surprised to see the old lady enter the branch, all full of good cheer. While earlier she would always seek me out for any assistance, today she avoided meeting me and went to another staff member and cheerfully said that her birthday was coming up and her daughter wanted to gift her some money and she had come to find out the balance in her daughter's account. Since I had already forewarned the concerned staff member of any such possibility, she was not told the balance though she tried to approach several other people and had to eventually leave.

Today, I have again realised that the motivations of human minds are sometimes beyond comprehension. I do not seek to proclaim this as right or wrong but will simply classify it as incomprehensible, perhaps there is a bigger picture somewhere but right now the pettiness of people's actions and thoughts clouds it and I am just numbed, again...

safar...

2011-07-05T21:21:00.003+05:30

यह जो आसमान काली चुनर ओढ़ के आया है

इसका भी दिल आज लगता कुछ कुम्हलाया है

इसके दामन से एक बादल का टुकड़ा चुराकर

दुनिया की तीरती नज़रों से उसे छुपाकर

मैंने दिल के कुछ सपने उसकी तह में रख दिए

और दूर पहाड़ के टीले से हवा के पंख उसको दे दिए

जाने कभी उनसे फिर मुलाक़ात होगी या नहीं

या बरस कर बिखर जायेंगे यूँ ही कहीं

दिल में हर चाहत खामोश, बेज़ार पड़ी हुई है

रास्ते में जैसे कोई मूरत बेमुराद खड़ी हुई है

वक़्त कल फिर एक नया मुखौटा पहन कर आएगा

पर अब इस बुत को कब कोई नया रंग दे पायेगा

सुना है कि साँसों का सफ़र होता है मुख़्तसर

कोई हमसे पूछे कितनी लम्बी है यह राहगुज़र..

safar...

2011-07-05T21:21:00.000+05:30

यह जो आसमान काली चुनर ओढ़ के आया है

इसका भी दिल आज लगता कुछ कुम्हलाया है

इसके दामन से एक बादल का टुकड़ा चुराकर

दुनिया की तीरती नज़रों से उसे छुपाकर

मैंने दिल के कुछ सपने उसकी तह में रख दिए

और दूर पहाड़ के टीले से हवा के पंख उसको दे दिए

जाने कभी उनसे फिर मुलाक़ात होगी या नहीं

या बरस कर बिखर जायेंगे यूँ ही कहीं

दिल में हर चाहत खामोश, बेज़ार पड़ी हुई है

रास्ते में जैसे कोई मूरत बेमुराद खड़ी हुई है

वक़्त कल फिर एक नया मुखौटा पहन कर आएगा

पर अब इस बुत को कब कोई नया रंग दे पायेगा

सुना है कि साँसों का सफ़र होता है मुख़्तसर

कोई हमसे पूछे कितनी लम्बी है यह राहगुज़र..

To rest..

2011-06-23T20:27:00.000+05:30

Let the masquerade now end,
before the will be bend,
No more the plays of word,
Meanings lost, unheard..

Let this fantasy be slain,
Reality is but Sanity's bane,
No more of dreams be fed,
Hopes vain, unsaid...

Let the flames be doused,
embers to ashes aroused,
No more the passion dance,
desire interred, sans chance..

Let the music be ever quelled,
unsung words deathknelled,
No more the lilting serenade,
Bare emotions on parade...

Let silence hence be the mast,
its depth eternal and vast,
No more a communion fleeting,
a soul unto itself retreating...

of mental bondage...

2011-06-06T20:21:00.001+05:30

Not having been able to conform all my life to the norms of desired behaviour in respect of so called important relationships/ties , I guess I'm like an iterant mental vagabond. And this often sends me on a thought trail about the mind and its travails and travels.

The human mind, since conception, is conditioned to grow roots. Having been blessed with an unfettered thinking capacity, we are then programmed to negate this truism all our lives and this is defined as the process of acquiring 'mental stability'. Those who seek to withstand this onslaught of stimulated dependence are condemned as 'emotional drifters'.

Those who comply, more often than not, become puppets to the ringmaster or a 'conditioned to be dependent mind' playing out tricks to its baton beats or wand waves. They will then find themselves guilty (at a point of reckoning) of all the impotencies of will and character for which they would have, at some time, sympathised or pitied others, as their mental weaknesses or failings. They would then stand witness, maybe with consternation and remorse, to the transforation of the independent mind and soul into a hunted animal like creature, trapped within the confines of other's/s' biddings. This is like a self feeding addiction and very soon one could find oneself hooked beyond redemption for the soul, or the lost self.

If this pitiable emotional asphyxiation is the curse of the ties that bind us then wherefore the need to condition innocent, unbridled, uninhibited minds with the need for conforming to societal norms for relationships. Let all our attachments then be designed by intuition or instinct (like between a parent and child) than by the need to find/grow roots. For, very often these roots reverse their direction of growth and become the noose to our souls. Wouldnt it be better then to have clean transactions of human interactions, free from the trappings of sentimental drivel - minds truly free of bondage...

inteha..

2011-04-20T21:37:00.000+05:30

वो एक शाम मुलाक़ात की

हम थे तो अजनबी

और शायद नहीं भी..

वो आवाज़ ठहरी सी

जो तुम्हारी पहचान बनी

और मेरी आदत भी..

वो बातें जो तुमने कहीं

रूहे-ज़बान थीं मेरी

आरजुओं की सदा भी..

वो एक रात जलती हुई

सहर रुकी अब तक जिसकी

न शमा ही बुझी अभी...

वो सुबह जो पैगाम लाती
तारीक़ की पहचान सी

कुर्बत का गुमान भी...

वो एक घडी इज़हार की

साँसों की गहरी ख़ामोशी

धडकनों का शोर भी...

वक़्त की एक लम्बी लड़ी

इंतज़ार की हर कड़ी

बेहिस गिरहें भी...

समेट कर नेमतें सब तुम्हारी

कल बहा दी दरिया में सभी

अपनी आशिकी भी...

न रंज, न ज़ख्म कोई

पर जाने कैसी आह थी

पानी हुआ कुछ सुर्ख भी...

On a spiritual quest..

2011-03-16T07:50:00.000+05:30

It is my belief that we have been granted the human form in order to, not just play out our lifetimes but to use the cognitive and perceptive powers granted to us, to transcend from the materially apparent world and discover the essence of the supreme consciousness; that is the journey we undertake and which may be called our process of discovery of the world of spiritualism.

The spiritual quotient of people can divide them into three main categories,as I see it.

- One,there are the people who go through the routine of their lives, either by choice or compulsion and in doing so they restrict their definition of spirituality to tasks well done or lives lived out as per laid down norms and within the confines of their constraints. Such people have a very simplistic view of spirituality, if at all.

- Then there are those, who have realised that spirituality is much more than going through the cycle of duties and rote but are not yet enabled to find it within themselves.Such people then turn to others, whether religious gurus, astrologers, soothsayers et al. to help understand what lies beyond the physically apparent world. Their spirituality is defined mostly by rituals in the form of prayers, ceremonies, pilgrimages and rites which purportedly help them reach closer to the ultimate being (or God as they call him).

- There are some who are fortunate enough to have evolved ( it is my belief through a cycle of events, past or present), who are not only able to recognise the world beyond but are able, by insight or practice, to transcend from their routine lives to find deeper meanings or see the broader picture, so to say. They are in cadence with the underlying rythm that beats to the divine music around us. All it requires is a tuning in to hear it clearer and be a part of the symphony, in however minor a role.

But here too lies a trap. Like the seeker who finds a lode mine without realising it and tends to hide it for fear of sharing the discovery, there is a risk of such persons disconnecting from their real worlds emotionally in order to expedite the process of discovery. The logic,of course, would be best defined by them but this is as I see it. However, is "unattaching" the best means to achieve the absolute? And for them whose lives are attached to such 'detachers', what does it entail - are they supposed to use the brief spells of break in reverie of such persons as the metronomes to define the lifespan of their relationships? Did any of the spiritually aware people , who are now our guiding lights, seek to renounce their attachments. They may have given up their worldly lives but they never stopped accepting or giving love. A spiritual journey which causes us to abandon love is meaningless in its very essence. We do not have the choice (or at least most of us dont) to give up on our physical world but do we need to treat the spiritual world as a refuge from emotional attachments. I cannot subscribe to this thought. For me knowing that the journey to meet the divine lies within, enables me to delve deeper into my soul but does not mean a shut down of my heart. It brings a sense of being one with the cosmic design and helps me encompass all the people I care for into that sense of being.

If this means I am still not on the right path of realisation or actualisation, so be it but I would never seek a spiritual world where I can "detach" myself to the extent that I am unable to see the pain or hurt I cause to those whose lives are emotionally entwined with mine. I can be an observer to my life but that power to observe should rightfully enable me to lead a more meaningful life and how can there be meaning where someone who cares feels isolated or removed. Maybe in another time and place I will be able to evolve to this stage of 'excision' but for now I will simply say - "I pass"...

For Nanya - a part of my soul..

2011-03-04T14:24:00.000+05:30

When life deals its traumatic blows,
I wish to be the armour around you.
When destiny shoots its piercing arrows,
I wish to hover like a cloud above you.
For every heartache that torments,
I wish to be the shield inside you.
For each sad thought that haunts,
I wish to be a smile that lightens you.
For all the stumbling blocks you encounter,
I wish to be the downy grass below you.
For all the doubts that make you falter,
I wish to be the beacon guiding you.
When faith seems to fall asunder,
I wish to be the belief that upholds you.
When darkness seems to draw you under,
I wish to be the radiance that illuminates you.
But Dear Child, wishes are all I have to offer,
A friend and a mother is all I can be to you..

one last wish...

2011-02-21T22:06:00.002+05:30

Before the lights go out
And the world stops hearing my music

One last song,

Lets sing the blues away….

Before the day dims out

And people stop believing in magic,

One last picture,

Lets paint the pain away…..

Before the night fades out

And the crowds stop swaying to rhythm

One last waltz,

Lets dance the loneliness away….

Before the wind blows out

And the storm settles to emptiness

One last swirl,

Lets sweep the heartache away…..

Before the clouds melt out

And the sky returns to its placid hue

One last flight,

Lets soar to our dreams, the eagles way…

Before time runs out

And there is nothing left of today

One last moment,

Lets wipe the bitterness away…

or let the lights be turned out,

Let the crowds melt away,

Lets put up our easel

And create some magic,

Dance to the rhythm of the storm,

Soar to paint pictures in the clouds,

Let time be a bystander

All I have is today….

A mirage unseen..

2011-02-02T22:30:00.000+05:30

Destiny etches our lives

and draws its pictures

we are but portraits

placed in its layout...

Strange are the ways of fate;

when all is seen and lived

when the path to be trod is decided

then it unravels one untravelled..

when all hopes and desires

are subjugated to rote

then, there flashes a dream

a vision unreachable...

its slave I choose not to be

to clear my eyes

and walk on unwavering

on footsteps traced ere...

A mirage have I seen

a chimera in my mind

but evanescent are these

and reality is to be...

In that bewitching hour

I saw the sun and moon meet

but forever will they be apart

and that is how it has been...

Not the progeny of our creators,

we are souls that emerge

out of the nothingness of being

and yet still live, by the writ...

Tailored thoughts, tutored emotions,

rites to be performed

the chore of breathing;

our act of living...

...

2011-01-25T21:56:00.000+05:30

तुम्हारी छोड़ी हुई,
स्याह सी रात को,
हम ऊँगली थामे,
सहर तक पहुंचाते रहे..
और दिल में दबी हुई,
अनकही ख्वाहिशों को,
फ़साने बना, उसे
हर पल बहलाते रहे..
जब लगी बुझती हुई,
दूर चमकते सितारों को,
सपनों का देश बता,
उसे हौसला दिलाते रहे..
पर एक रोज़ थकी हुई,
छिटक कर इन हाथों को,
बोली सहमी सी, कांपते हुए,
'क्यूँ यूँ तनहा चलते रहें?
आज यह तम्मना हुई,
ढूंढ लूं उस चाँद को,
जो रोशन सफ़र करे,
राह मे मेरा  हमकदम रहे...
हर लम्हा कम होती हुई,
इस मुख़्तसर ज़िन्दगी को,
झूठी किस्से कहानियों से,
कब तक यूँ बहलाते रहें?'
नादानी से भरी हुई,
सुनकर उसकी आरज़ू  को,
भरकर अपनी आगोश में,
देर तक उसे समझाते रहे..
है किस्मत तेरी  लिखी हुई,
चांदनी न समझ खुद को,
डरना क्या अंधेरों से,
हम तो उन्हें भी दिल में समाते रहे..
और फिर हारी हुई,
अपनी तनहा सी रात को,
लेकर अपनी बाँहों में,
उस पर प्यार बरसते रहे..

absence...

2010-12-23T22:59:00.000+05:30

The glistening pointed church spire,
like a warrior's sword raised higher,
among the dark billowing clouds,
to rend the sombre menacing shrouds..
The timid, tremulous, powdery rain,
the lacy weave on the window pane,
steaming cup of coffee, freshly ground,
endless words, tepid brew, quickly downed..
The joyful liberated dance of trees,
the quest for freedom, of the leaves,
the gush of wind, music in the rush,
nature in motion, hearts in a hush..
The ballooning umbrellas, feet in a hurry,
the trepidation, the nostalgia, the glee,
all of the creator's power makes sense,

all replicated, but for you, as audience...

2010-12-17T12:23:00.000+05:30

कल रात शमा से पूछा, यूँ ही,
है किसकी चाहत की जिसमे जलती हो तुम
कभी साहिल को देखा भी नहीं
फिर भी रात पार करती हो तुम..?
अँधेरे के दामन में छुपी हुई
किस उम्मीद को बहलाती हो तुम,
जबकि है साथ सिर्फ तन्हाई
फिर भी नाचती रहती हो तुम...?
कच्चे से धागे से बंधी हुई
किसके इश्क में तबाह होती तुम,
जबकि मिली है सिर्फ बेवफाई,
फिर भी यूँ लगन लगाती हो तुम...?
मोहब्बत का हक अदा करती हुई
कभी यूँ ही सहम जाती हो तुम,
आंधी जो आगोश में भरले कभी
वफ़ा की मिसाल ही कहलाती हो तुम...?
आज क्यूँ तुमसे मिलकर लगा यूँ ही
की जैसे जूनून की हो पहचान तुम,
मेरे जानिब भी हो ऐसी आशिकी
फना हूँ जिसपर, जैसे होती हो तुम...

...Lost for words...

2010-12-15T22:08:00.000+05:30

Amit calls me an 'agony aunt' because of my ability to make people trust me with all their woes and worries and I have always prided myself on my 'higher than average' empathy factor which gets people to confide in me. I have also thought that I have the ability to listen impassionately though not insensitively and offer a logical and easy way of dealing with 'situations'. And yet today, I wished I could have been like most people around me, that I did not have this emotional-accessibility factor. Something happened which stopped me dead in my track and I have been feeling lost ever since...

There is a customer of my branch, an old lady, a sweet and gentle soul always full of cheer and kind words, a little waif of a person, so small and delicate she actually looks like a fragile china doll. She invokes such a protective feeling in me and for some odd reason she has taken a great liking to me and insists that I must take care of all her banking needs even though I am in another department and have no reason to do so. She never forgets to send me a cake for Christmas or Easter and has me forever indebted to her for all the love and affection she showers on me.

There is something strange I have noted about her ever since the time I have known her and this has also been a cause of concern for me. Every single time that she visits the branch she has one or the other bone broken! It is either the right leg, the left one, the wrist or the elbow..it goes on but I have never seen her whole and well. I have often suggested that she should visit a good ortho to have the problem examined but she laughingly passes it off as 'the side effects of old age' coupled with the mishaps resultant of living alone (she is a widow).

Today, like all other times, she called (to confirm if I was free and available) and then dropped in to my office. One look at her and I knew she was in excruciating pain, so as I escorted her to a chair, I jokingly asked her, which one is it this time. Unlike her past answers, this time her reply was subdued as she said it was her ribs. Like all the previous occasions, I again entreated with her to visit a good doctor about the fragility of her bones, even offering to accompany her, if required. And then the unexpected happened - she started to cry!

I was stricken by remorse that maybe it was my casual approach to her ailment that caused the reaction and I tried to comfort her but it was as if a dam had burst. After a while, as she calmed down, she said words which ring in my ears even now; she told me that all the accidents of the past times, all those broken bones, had been caused- not by a deficiency or physical weakness- but was the handiwork of her daughter(!) who lived with her and was a spinster, who blamed the mother for her single status and thrashed her mercilessly at the slightest provocation.

It was at that moment I wished, albeit selfishly, not that she was elsewhere, safe and comfortable, but, that I could have been elsewhere or someone else. I wished it were possible to 'unhear' those words because today I lost my ability to remain impassioned and offer logical advice in the face of her reality. What solace can one offer to such a mother who only prays every single day 'that her own child would take what she wants but atleast leave her capable of fending for herself in her old age'. How does one offer logic to a helpless old lady who waits on her only child despite her broken bones, despite the pain and the injury, in the fear that she may be inflicted with even more, should she be caught slacking her pace. She, who has so much of love and affection to shower on a stranger, who speaks a few kind words, is treated like dirt by her own progeny? There are those who pray to the almighty to be blessed with a child and here, before me, was a woman who beseeched the lord each day, for deliverence from one...

As she got up to leave, I was numb and though I escorted her to her cab, she has stayed on in my heart and always will...

artistry?

2010-11-11T21:01:00.000+05:30

A conversation on the go…a friend tells me that he thinks that artists of any kind must be such content people. They have the luxury ofnot only venting their desires in their art but also the privilege of seeking their fulfilment in its expression. This would make them truly content people as they wouldn’t have any expectations from a relationship beyond the one they share with their art. The freedom to create from their current state of mind or heart, without having any judgement made on them. So you could paint a grey picture or write a sad song or create a twisted sculpture in your blue moments and still cherish that as your creation, without remorse or guilt. Or you could pick the most vibrant hues from your palette and randomly throw them on a canvas, strike the highest and lowest notes and string them into an incredible symphony and raise it up as the expression of your most joyous moments. “If only we had a special skill too..”

A pause and my response..who says we can’t, each one of us, be an artist too? We have been given a canvas called life and a palette full of colours called time and each one of us can paint a picture every day, all the days of our life. True, sometimes the picture would be just sepia tinted(when life is stuck in rote) or plain old black & white (to reflect our sombre moments) , at others a charcoal sketch (emanating from sad thoughts) and sometimes a radiant depiction of our inner joy. But we do have a choice to do with it as we want to; To be able to feel the luxury of being the creator of our own story, to find fulfilment in the honest expression of our responses to each of destiny’s (?) twists and turns..

Perhaps where we go astray and lose this sense of wonder is when we start looking to others for confirmation of our own needs and desires. The Physical interdependence of society or family can not be negated unless one chooses to be a recluse but the emotional dependence is often the albatross around our neck. Our palette loses color and our skills fade away when subjugated to the needs of others. It is here that the two mischief mongers of guilt and anger step in and start the process of creating discontment or resentment. By this, I do not mean to imply that one needs to be totally insensitive or self centred but yes, there is a line beyond which only the self remains and in order to be truly content, it is my belief, that each one of us needs to draw and respect our commitment to that border.

And it is possible to remain an artist, content and fulfilled, if one knows that secret place where one can retreat and paint as the heart feels or create as the eyes see or write as the mood comes..sans remorse or guilt..for each such creation shall then be mine and worth being proud of and shall liberate me evermore..

"Wonderland?"

2010-10-14T21:35:00.000+05:30

I am a self- confessed book addict; the aroma of a book, the feel of the paper in my hands, the sound of the turning pages are enough to transport me into another world. And fantasy has been my favourite genre , ever since I laid my hands on my first Enid Blyton. Till today ‘Alice in wonderland’ ranks amongst my most favorite books ever. I read with equal fervor all the tales of vampires and werewolves etc. that my daughter is currently hooked on. But there is one particular series to which I have never been able to subscribe, no offence meant to J.K.Rowlings, but ‘Pottermania’ has completely and totally eluded me.

Of late though, I have started feeling as if my body is behaving like a Harry Potter spell gone terribly wrong. Lets start with the events of about a year ago – I have always prided myself on being blessed with a fair share of the grey matter but Really! Does my brain have to make such a statement about it?! In an average human being there is a certain volume of Cerebral serum fluid which is produced which keeps the brain fertile and balanced. In my case, the brain, suddenly finding itself totally and utterly ignored and unused decided to take matters unto itself and started producing more than twice the volume of CSF giving me a disease called ‘Benign Intercranial Hypertension’ (quite a mouthful – but as my friends say , ‘anything less complicated would not suffice’). This means that the doctors have to stick a needle and pipe into my spine and drain out the excess fluid and keep me on medication until it is possible to do so without surgical intervention (which would require a shunt being placed in the spine to do the job- My daughter’s take on this is ‘after you’ve had your gall bladder and appendix removed now you’ve started having stuff put in instead?!’)

Descending from the brain, lets move to the eyes. Having seen enough of the world around them and since I was not providing them with much variety in any case they suddenly decided that they had seen enough and gave up the ‘vision’ one fine day, leaving me (and my doctors) clueless. There were so many vials of blood taken out for testing so many possible diseases (some found even in the African jungles – must be a carry over of some previous lifetime or a lesser evolved state)that I think it would have been enough for entire body blood transfusion of a needy soul. And after all that when they could find nothing (having even suspected cancer and drilling into my various bones for biopsies) they simply shrugged it off as an ‘auto immune disorder’ with the possibility of recurrence at any given time. And I say Thank You Science!

During the above mentioned period of darkness they pumped in all kinds of steroids into my body and though my system handled it all bravely (other than for the fact that I started resembling a gas balloon ready for take off at any time), it did have its own aftermath. My intestines have now decided that they have had enough of digesting all those bitter pills that are my daily bread and need some fresh air and change of scenery! So they are threatening to step out of my stomach at any given moment of time and are required to be kept under close observation and near starvation lest they find that extra burst (!) of energy.

It doesn’t all end here though because adversity forges its own bonds and my ilia (the leg bone) and the hip joint have become great friends in these times so much so that they have broken all the distances that separated them and though im glad to see this show of solidarity, it is awfully painful for me when I want to indulge in normal human activities like walking or even turning over in my sleep.

And now I wish I had the magic wand of Potter and could mumble some jumbled up words and set it all right, as it were once…or maybe that was my fantasy too..

the karma chameleon

2010-06-17T17:55:00.001+05:30

'The travails of life are a part of the travel of life' has been my credo and therefore, I have always believed in putting my best foot forward and moving on from the here and now, without wasting my thought on the how and why of untoward incidents.

And yet there are times when one is overwhelmed, by the regularity of mishaps and there comes to the mind the question about the relevance of ‘Karma’. If all events in life are a function of ones actions, past or present, one’s karma, as they say, then why is it that the conscious mind does not register such a plethora of negative actions which might be the cause of the spate of bad luck.

We can, perhaps, then extend the karma to stretch to previous lifetimes, the cycle of life and death, which may be resulting in the ill fortune that strikes one. If it is the endeavour of the evolved soul to terminate this cycle in this lifetime, through the medium of one’s actions, then it also transpires that this fact would register somewhere in the so called eternal ledger of actions and their outcomes.

This could be the reason that one suddenly feels that there is an overflow of bad luck – because it has been registered in the Cosmos, that in the case of this individual, it is time for the vicious Circle to come to a stop and the good deeds notwithstanding, the karma of all bad deeds, past or present, therefore, has to be borne out in this one lifetime.

The night then seems darkest because sunrise is a little way away, on the other side of the horizon. Or maybe this is the wishful thinking of an eternal optimist….

in a meditative mode..

2010-05-02T13:04:00.000+05:30

A disciple once went to his spiritual guru and requested that he be taught the art of meditation, to still his wandering mind and resolve the conflicts amongst his thoughts. The teacher asked him, "Tell me what you conceive meditation to be." The disciple's ponderous reply was thus, " Meditation is a technique of Yoga or spiritual awakening which leads the mind to freedom from constricting thoughts. It teaches a person to empty one's being from reality and the conflicts that arise from it. It is an exercise in the negation of thoughts and the self, whereby the practitioner becomes one with the universe." The teacher then smiled and said,"if this is your perception of what you want to achieve (where you want to arrive) then I'm not equipped to guide you there, you must seek another..."

I have always considered my spiritual quotient to be high and yet despite the fast emerging trend of seeking spiritual guidance to quell one's doubts and practice of various skills, acquired solely with the intention of finding 'peace', I have never had a desire to learn the 'art of meditation'. In the recent past, when the mind has been overwhelmed, at times, with confusing, often incoherent thoughts, the question has arisen in my mind as to how I would define 'meditation', were I to seek solace in the practice of it.

The wikipedia describes the etymology of 'meditation' as a derivative of the Latin word 'meditatio' meaning any type of intellectual exercise, which later evolved to contemplation. I believe then, that meditation is not a transition from a conscious to non-conscious state (so to say), it is an act of active will where one learns to tune into ones own thoughts, to an extent that one is able to smoothly transit from one thought to another, granting cognizance to the desirable and shunning the wasteful, so that there remains no scope for any conflict in the mind.

It is not the negation of thought. A thought is like a coiled spring and the more one stretches/pulls away from it, the greater the velocity with which it strikes back, when left unattended (and often at moments most unexpected). Thus meditation, in order to be a stress liberating process, has to mean the empowerment of the mind with the ability to recognise/sort/accept/discard thoughts and this is a 'state of being' which cannot be limited to a few minutes/hours of a day. It has to evolve into a mental framework through which one functions, every moment, each day and for all the days of one's life.

I seek to transcend myself to that level of consciousness and not make do with interim intervals of awakening in the form of the commonly perceived notion of meditation..

the script..

2010-04-25T18:22:00.000+05:30

I was talking to someone recently who plans to write screenplays/scripts for hollywood. He gave me some interesting information; that in any good Hollywood movie the twist in the plot, so to say, happens at around the 27th minute. He said it wont happen at the 17th minute or after the the 30th and you can actually time it to happen around the 27th minute. He also said that every story has a beginning and a climax at the end, its the middle which lags and people who are learning how to write professionally are really trained to handle that middle.

This set me thinking.. isn't that somewhat true of most of our lives too. We have a beginning and the 'twist in the tail' which sets the pattern for the future narration happens around the 27th year, give or take some and then we have the ending, as pre-ordained, settling down into the susnset years and then fading away into another life or land, maybe...the sequel waiting to be written. Its 'the middle which lags' that holds true for the story of our lives that rings out clearly; hence the term 'mid-life crisis'.

Most people who live truly happy (aka successful by my definition) lives are the ones who have trained themselves to handle the middle well. Sadly though, there is no school for training us in this, life itself being the classroom. And if one can learn to handle the 'fall years' with grace and enthusiasm, it will be a story well lived, one which can be narrated or remembered posthumously, with a sense of joy and nostalgia..with a desire to be part of the sequel too.

a time to fly..

2010-04-18T00:00:00.001+05:30

In the last few days my life has suddenly assumed a new aura, a warm glow that fills my heart with peace even at the most turbulent times. This blog then, is symbolic of the new pattern that emerges. My child, who has achieved what she has been striving for, for the past two years, is responsible for the glow that envelops me. While I was taking her through the preparations for her interview, there was a moment of insight for me as well. Her spontaneous answer to the question, “who is your role model and why” was," my mother, because she has taught me that one must live by one’s convictions and have the courage and belief to know that you will reach your destination in life, wherever it may be, if you can stand up for what you believe in and never lose faith”… A mouthful of words in a voluble gush (just like the wordsy person she is) but it set me thinking. I should have felt pride but the only feeling that I had was of an intense desire to shield her and hold her in my arms, for a moment I even thought that I should tell her to reconsider her response but it was so straight from her heart that I couldn’t. But I wish I could tell her that its not an easy path to tread..there is a lot of loneliness and at times heartbreak too. And one has to constantly draw from one’s soul to find the courage to walk alone, if there is no fellow traveller, it can be emotionally draining and there are times when you wish you could take the easy way out. However, I do know this – if my child has chosen to walk a certain path she will emerge a winner because even at this young age she has the courage to dream (and im an eternal dreamer too) and the fortitude to make those dreams a reality. She is ready to test her wings and a silent prayer (which is always in my heart for her) will be the wind beneath her wings and she will fly, free and spirited. If I could be even a small part of her flight to happiness, I feel blessed, not proud…

closure...not compromise

2010-03-21T17:29:00.006+05:30

Two travellers on a road together look at the distant horizon, see a storm gathering, the sky takes on a sombre menacing view. One of them, the wiser one (?) chooses to change his path and avoid a confrontation with the storm and correct his course later, when the storm has passed. He asks his companion to do the same. But the other opts to continue on his chosen path, undaunted by the gathering clouds...I know which of the two travellers I would choose to be and yet there is this question, is it foolhardy to go on in the face of danger, to ignore the looming threat? Most people would say that it would be false bravado rather than bravery. It would be wiser and saner to take retreat until the danger passes you by. I cannot abide by that, however. I think it would make me that much more hardy, having weathered the worst of times, my steps would be steadier and surer, in the face of the next calamity that strikes me and i would find within me the courage to withstand rather than the instinct to withdraw. This perhaps is the reason why I cannot abide by people who seek refuges or shelters, who would rather be stifled in the cocoon than sacrifice their comfort zone. It is also a yardstick by which i measure the degree of acceptance that i can accord, in my personal space, to a person. For those who do not have the conviction to stick to their chosen course, I am no one to sit judgement but i do have the choice that they be not more than faces in the milieu, not co-travellers on the journey of my life. For people who I might have held dear and valued but can do no more, this is all i have to say, you chose what was right by you and i will stand up to my convictions, please do not seek a compromise in either and undermine the essence of our individual lives....

The warmth of winter...

2009-11-13T14:17:00.004+05:30

Its my favourite time of the year again. Its time to air the woollies, to remember the smell of moth balls and the cuddly feel of sweaters and shawls waiting to wrap you up in their comforting embrace; somehow it seems as nostalgic as a homecoming.

No other season requires such active participation both in preparation and farewell, it is truly the most majestic of all turns of time, annually. The year tolls its bells to herald that it must go and be replaced by another incumbent soon.

Those of us who need to update our ledger of events cherish this reminder, accompanied as it is, with the irresistible aromas of the wispy mist, crackling nutmegs, crumbly cakes, ambrosiaic coffee et al.

The year gone by has been one of intense trauma, fears, pains, anguish and seemingly endless darkness. At times it seemed as if there would be no letting up. But there is no bitter after taste at all.

All that remains now is the cherished realization that I never thought I had so much patience (having a mind addled with a hundred thoughts at any point of time) or that I would find within such a reservoir of fortitude to face the travails.And Surprisingly, instead of feeling cheated I actually feel enriched.

The year that was will be a watershed in my life. But I will never wish it undone because it helped me to meet not only me (with a pointer to the direction my life must take in the future) but also gave me some of my most emotional and proudest moments…

… Moments when I felt that if I could evoke even half the love that was showered on me (and some of it from most unexpected quarters) each day of every season of my life was well lived and worth it all.

So let the cool winds blow, I’m cocooned forever in the warmth of my life and the lifelines of love that keep me going…

To nurture...

2009-10-08T10:54:00.003+05:30

I once planted a rose bush, in a pot, which my daughter had gifted to me (she knows I have a weakness for yellow roses) and my husband (he is the one with ‘green fingers’) helped me in the potting. I dug up the earth in the pot while he carefully placed the tiny sapling in it, covered it with the mud till it was standing safe and erect and then we sprinkled some water on it and kept it away from the direct Sun so that it may find its bearings before being sent out to woo visitors in the garden.

Both of us would then take turns at tending to the tender creature, placing it in the shade when it tended to droop or watering it and adding fertilizer till it grew into a verdant robust foliage. Our pride and effort in nurturing it was equal and without slack. Even now, when it is a fully grown plant we still tend to it so that it continues to flower and be healthy.

But imagine a scenario when either one of us felt that “it is enough to know that I planted it and I will derive my happiness from the fact that it exists (for as long as it does), my job of creation is done and I have nothing more to contribute.”

Would the poor sapling then survive for long, for is it not natural that something which started as a joint effort of ours, if left to be the sole responsibility of one, would take its toll on the toil and joy of the other?

We have been told, by sages down the years, that nurturing a relationship is like tending to a plant in our garden and requires continuing effort in order that it may grow and flourish. And yet, is this not what most of us are doing wrong? We seek a relationship, form one or are gifted one and then somewhere along the way we stop nurturing it. It just is. And therein sets the decay…

Why can’t we see that truly meaningful and happy relationships around us are the ones where the effort continues unabated, in however small a measure, on an everyday basis. People who make them work ‘water’ the lifebreath of their relationship everyday and tending to it is a part of their way of living. It is easy to envy but are we willing to emulate…?

between the heart and mind...

2009-10-05T11:16:00.005+05:30

I once took my little child to the seaside. It was an exhilirating experience to stand on the shores and watch the glee on her face as the waves rushed in and tickled her chubby legs with feathers of sand. It also gave me a memory which i recalled just now...
On seeing the continuing dance of the waves she asked me "Do they never rest? Why are they always in motion? Why do they do that, when they know they have no choice but to go back and merge with the ocean?"
Her innocent questions set me thinking. And i thought that at times the movement of the waves seems like a fight for freedom from the embrace of the ocean.They appear to strain to rise higher with a single minded purpose, only to be defeated and lie still in merger with the vastness of the seas. At other times it appears to be like a joyful dance, a celebration of the union, with the ever embracing waters which engulf them and keep them safe.
This brings to my mind the constant source of conflict of most human beings; the war between the heart and the mind. Haven't we all, in our daily lives, felt the need to resolve this conflict? the only difference in the nature of human beings lies in, which is the waves and which the ocean...
In my case, I know that the heart always rules and the mind may makes its attempts to rule or disobey, to break free of the 'bondages' of the heart but it always end s up as a joyous dance of surrender to the embrace of the heart, which is vast, deep and eternal...
But each one of us has to define this paradigm and only then will the conflict be resolved and peace be ours.

it was never yours...

2009-10-01T15:04:00.004+05:30

Don Quixote tilted at windmills and traipsed along on his adventures. The world, as it existed in the fictional character's life, laughed and mocked at him. But his character is, by far, one of the most endearing, comic, misguided souls who comes to the mind of this dreamer. But what if this wandering lost soul was removed from the fictional milieu and placed in the realm of reality? He would surely lose his sense of bravado and go into hiding or wear the armour not just on his body but on his soul too..

It is a human instinct to crave for that which one does not possess, not so much maybe in material terms as in character traits. So if you happen to chance upon a soul unbound, a truly free spirit, you instinctively strive to be like that. This could be because, perhaps, this is the one trait which is most difficult to acquire/keep, being mired in the pseudo norms of relationships and bonds.

You may lack the courage to break free from the shackles that bind you but what's to stop you from attaining that elusive trait vicariously. And this is where the unguarded "on my own trip to nowhere" somebody is easy prey.

You latch on to such a person and convince her that in your heart you are as much a lover of freedom, a co-traveller in the seeker's journey and knowing the innate desire in every human being to seek a kindred soul, you feed that desire and lull her into letting her defences down (For isn't fierce freedom a veneer for an inner alone self..).

But if you do not have the strength of spirit or the courage of conviction to go the full mile, have you wondered what you do? You walk away unscathed, having invested but a fraction of your miopic self, back to the trappings which you will forever resent but be snared in nevertheless (which was your 'destiny' maybe) but you leave in your wake a confused, somewhat defeated, if not, embittered soul.

This is the moment of pathos in, an otherwise content life because such a person was never meant to experience these negative emotions. You have, in some measure, embroiled that person in the misfortune of your 'karma'. You have abraded, eroded a soul... And in retrospect there are two questions : a) Why

b) Are you liberated now?

journey's end...

2009-08-04T10:36:00.004+05:30

The Weary traveler turned to his guide and said, “You have been with me every step of the way; through all the labyrinthine mazes that that I got lost in, you have brought me on my path again . In the darkest hours of my journey, you have been like a beacon beckoning me onwards and every time my steps faltered and I was on the verge of abandoning my quest you have held my hand and supported me till I found my bearings again…But now I can go on no longer, for I am tired and weary beyond retrieval. I am fatigued by this search for an evanescent place and time when in reality with every step I take the mirage grows distant evermore. And for what purpose must this search continue, when at the end of all our journeys, there lies but one destination. We will all find our resting place in the arms of death. So I wish to cease my relentless struggle now. I want to rest my tired feet and my tortured soul and be in the here and now. I want to be one with all of nature’s elements. I want to feel the soft welcoming ground enveloping me in its warmth, that I may find rest. I want to feel the breeze blow away the sweat of my toils so that I may be refreshed again. I want to feel the glow of the sun which may wipe out the darkness from my soul…I know I may have let you down for you have been a true mentor and guide, helping and showing me the right path but I do not have the will to go on anymore, I surrender. And so I seek your forgiveness for abandoning my quest before the destination.
The guide took the traveler’s hands in his own and said, “It is true that I have been with you in your search for your destination but did I ever tell you where it lay? This, here and now, your realization that this entire struggle was in vain; this is your destination. It was my Endeavour to guide you till you reached this point. I sought to give you the mental fortitude and the physical strength that you would be able to recognize this moment. I will now take leave of you for you need guidance no more. Yu have found your destiny. For each person life is but a series of motions leading to stillness, all that we seek lies within us and all other pursuits are but chasing mirages. And yet how many of us are able to reach the crossroad where we are able to see that life is but an inward journey. You are blessed because you have found your place in the sun and peace shall be yours evermore”

knocking was in vain

2009-08-01T20:52:00.000+05:30

There was once a student who asked his teacher, “how can you be so impervious to your surroundings, do you feel no emotions, does no hurt ever touch you, does nothing cause pain to you, how can you be so inanimate?” The teacher replied;
Just as the rain drops tap on the windows so also all that happens around me knocks on my soul, gently at first trying to find its way in, but on finding there is no door, defeated, all emotions rage around me, showing their inadequacy and helplessness, the more their angst in not being allowed entry, the more my resolve to remove myself from them. I would like to take all the anguish and pain in my arms and hold it gently and soothe it, I would like to make it believe that it can cause me no pain beyond that which I have already known - within me ; that it can never take me to a darker hell than where I have been - in my mind. I have relived my sins over and over again until I could recognise them as human follies and absolve myself of them. I have felt pain in every pore of my soul, excruciating and addictive till I have learnt to discard the raiment of anguish and walk away free. The world may think I am heartless and selfish for I feel no oneness with that which surrounds me but I have learnt that my existence means nothing to anyone but me and so I choose to be like an island in the ocean of the happenings and the crowd of that which surrounds me. If I appear inanimate, it is because I have found a world inside me, which is far more beautiful than that which I have ceased to be mired in. I seek no other soul to sanctify my existence and if that be termed as indifference, it matters not to me. I feel emotions, just as all of God’s creations do, but my emotions have no outward expression for there is no need for that. I feel and that is enough. I do not have the desire to exhibit the extent of my feelings. I am impervious to my surroundings because I have sought and found “freedom”. And I can let my soul soar high and free to a place where all this; your questions, the doubts of the world, the stigma of being uncaring , the expectations of reactions or responses – all of it fades away and I can be a silent spectator to the journey of my unfettered soul on the path of life…..

On seeking silence...

2009-08-01T12:41:00.000+05:30

There are roadblocks in life but every time you are hit by one, you are taken aback by its magnitude and your helplessness in the act of its removal. Reactions to such situations differ, while some may fret and vent their anger I choose to withdraw…in a way, to retreat into myself and maybe negate its existence. These can be moments for us to introspect, for nothing in this cosmos happens/ exists without a cause. So I would like to know what or how I was responsible in bringing it upon myself. But most times this freedom is not allowed. For, there are relationships and the consequent trappings in the form of questions, responsibilities, explanations. etc. So to seek an escape into oneself also becomes an onerous task, one which does not find sanction in the eyes of another. Living a life by the rule of not seeking sanctions is not possible when one is in a relationship because even tough you may not seek it , the judgements will be bestowed on you nevertheless. Actions will always be placed on a scale and measured as right or wrong. And if you choose not to sit judgement, to let others be, then you would be guilty of either indifference or bias in favour of or against one or the other.
What is my reality; that which the world sees or that which lies deep within me, hidden from the world and often unacknowledged even to myself? The world reacts from their perception of my reality and I choose not to respond or retaliate because I realize that I was not cast in the same mould as most others in the domain. So does one have to be right and the other wrong; can’t the two actions co-exist. If I do not seek to sit judgement on their misconceived perception of me why must I be condemned over and over again?
In each of our souls lies the hope that there would be one, somewhere, who would be as you, and that you would be destined to meet and travel with that person, on your journey without being told which direction was right or wrong. But that hope for understanding is mostly unanswered in full measure…so all I desire now is numbness. I seek no words of approval and those of recrimination touch me only upto a certain point. Beyond that I only yearn for silence, to lay all thought to rest and endeavour to be, just ‘Be’ and in that process of being to find a way around these roadblocks, without frisson or friction, sans emotion or expression; Is it too much to ask for?

cherishing my aloneness...

2009-03-03T13:39:00.003+05:30

Today i want to step aside,

I want to stand on the banks of this flow and be able to see

how far does this go, where lies its destiny..

every traveller, however, persistent

must have one such moment

when there is a thought as to the intent..

Today i want to meet life

in an empty room, sans pretense

draw the curtains,

with their myriad motifs and designs

and talk to my heart's content..

Today i want to share my aloneness

dust every nook and corner

unlock every nut and bolt

let the sunlight into my soul

and let all emotion be spent...

The echo to a yearning....

2009-03-02T15:55:00.003+05:30

I have not written here for quite some time ... Maybe because when life is following its own course and you are drifting along there seems to be no turbulence and one is lulled into a feeling of peace. But there comes a time, when a sudden current crosses ones path and jolts one out of this somnolescence. And it sometimes surprises you because it just creeps upon you without a warning...Its like hearing voices all around you and you just get adapted to the din until you realise that there is one whose whisper you can hear above all the other clamour and then before you can stop it the words become an echo of the yearnings of your soul...A "yes" to all the unasked questions of life, which were never voiced because you thought they would never be answered. I have this heartfelt desire that my faith is not transient and shall withstand the test of time but even if it doesnt , for having shown me that it is possible, i want to simply say "Thank you".....

watershed..

2008-09-29T22:14:00.002+05:30

one would think that a watershed moment would come with some kind of a signal, that there would be some indication that life was about to take a turn...but it kind of creeps upon you and then its suddenly standing before you and you cannot ignore it. There needn't be an earth shattering event which reaches you to it too..Maybe tomorrow it wont seem to matter so much but today i suddenly decided that im through with being nice and considerate and thoughtful and empathetic..not because i find it burdensome because if what you get in return is not the same , at least upto a certain degree then at some point of time you can do nothing but shrug.. and i guess i reached my shrugging stage today. I dont want to be understanding anymore, i want to rave and rant and vent my feelings as and when i feel them. why should i think about the impact it might have on another person. Does the other person think of that, is that a primary or even ancillary concern for them. If yes, then i would not have reached this place. You cannot keep trying to ignore or understand. I dont want to be matured anymore. its just this one life i have and there is no point bottling up my reactions as though i could defer their expression to another spacetime. And i dont really want to express them at all, just to stop giving so completely..so as of now i choose to retreat, not into a shell but to a place where i give only filtered emotions and filtered thoughts.. the rest is mine to keep or trash but i dont want to share it with anyone.

2008-09-09T15:28:00.000+05:30

They call it a catharsis when one reaches a state of release and that is what I am feeling too. But a catharsis as the dictionary describes it, is a fallout of an ‘intense emotional experience’. In my case, it is like the clicking of a combination lock, a time to unlock …
There comes a time in life when even the most compulsive of wanderers must lay roots; a time when one has to recognize that all the seeking is in vain because the answers are already there to be read. I wrote some time back here that “I seek because I am” and I want to change that now , “I lay my seeking to rest and I still am”. The restlessness within has found the confirmation it needed to put aside its precipitous wanderings…

not an emotional outburst...

2008-09-03T10:00:00.002+05:30

"Love makes exceptions" is a cliched notion oft repeated..but one which i have never been able to understand or follow (and i excuse those of you who are thinking that im on an emotional diatribe but this is a logical analysis of a thought that came to me). Per se it should mean that you are willing to accept or excuse the person you love for anything done or said which does not confirm to your beliefs or expectations.. And if this is right then it fails to register with me. I have no rules or expectations from people i do not love so i have no issues with making any exceptions for them, anything is acceptable when it is people who do not matter simply because it has no impact on me at all. But when it comes to someone i love i do have certain hopes and dreams (even though the enlightened would say that one should live life without expecting or depending on anyone..) and they are the ones who can hurt me if they do not live upto my thoughts. So how then is one expected to make an exception.. what would life be if one was like a rudderless boat, flowing any which way without direction or destination, accepting anything thrown on one by the people who are co-travellers on this journey. If it were a passerby then it matters not what transactions one has with them but if it is someone who has been chosen as a companion in life then it matters what he/she does and im not willing to make any exceptions for them, simply because i hold then in esteem and they need to earn that. Harsh ? Unfeeling? unemotional? maybe but i do so hope that my loved ones don't need me to make exceptions, that they will always be a personification of my desires because i truly believe that love lies in the ability of another person to interpolate and live your dreams with you..

When we talk of love, a corollary - in a relationship between a man and a woman, it is faith and respect that need to be sustained most. And speaking of faith the most common cause of loss of faith is attributed to sexual infidelity. This again is something which i do not understand, if one gives of one's body then one gives so little because it is that part of you which is perishable and only an instrument of interaction with the world. If the man i love were to give his physical self to anyone it would mean nothing other than a mortal need fulfilled but if he were to give away one thought, one dream, one desire that belonged to me, that would make me feel betrayed and i would not be willing to make an exception for that...

On childhood dreams...

2008-09-01T13:13:00.004+05:30

I have often wondered why is it that our most cherished dreams are the ones which we dreamt in our childhood. As one grows older the dreams change patterns and we often end up following totally different ones as compared to what we aspired for in those tender years. And if one thinks of them in degrees of fondness then the earliest ones are the most prized and loved. Maybe it could be the innocence that was attached to them is what we seek to nurture , knowing that it is forever lost in the process of growing up, we sanctify what remains of it in the form of those childish fantasies...

Life is so unpredictable (and there in lies its charm), just when you are at that stage when you think, all is settled and nothing can rock the boat, it throws a zinger at you and you are zapped!
And that is why i believe in not living by the rules because it then becomes easy to handle what transpires, no preconceived notions or norms to bind in ones reactions....

on a search....

2008-08-01T12:35:00.002+05:30

i have often been told that it seems that im forever seeking something - and i got down to thinking about it... do i, do i really seek something, and if i do, do i not need to recognise it for it to be sought... there is only one thing , which when found can stop all your searching and that is nothing, so maybe i seek nothing...

But that is not the whole truth. Most of my life I have been condemned for doing things without a reason. I have always been told, right from my childhood, that i needed to think before acting, to be less impulsive, to weigh out the consequences. But i never could learn to do that. For i have always believed that each moment passes by, in a flash and if i were to spend that period of time thinking, what i thought for , that particular moment, would already have gone. They call this foolishness, the wise always cogitate and then act, whereas i am just the reverse , the thoughts always follow the acts. Its not that im complaining for what I have done or will do, but i wonder how i could have been so excluded from the norms..

And all my life this is the one search which makes me appear restless , i guess. The search to find a kindred soul, someone who could look me in the eye and wink at my foolishness (if that is what it is) and acknowledge that its alright to be this way. I dont seek confirmation for my actions, those dont matter, as dont admonishments. But is it so difficult to find someone who can walk on a different path maybe, but say that yours is ok too. Why must i always be told to take care, to be careful and that it is in my best interest. Is it not in my interest to be what i was created as, so what if it is a clown who 'wears her heart on her sleeve' , a dreamer who Don quixotically tilts at windmills and draws pictures of clouds in the sky when all else are drawing out their umbrellas.

This is perhaps what i seek...the presence of someone who knows me for what i am and doesnt try to reform me for what is right. Will anyone ever accept that life can be lived on a whim; for all the planning and investment that is done, what do we get anyway, a pile of wood to erase us out of existence? And for that im supposed to think before i act, not be impulsive etc.?

And so i seek and always will...there has to be in god's plans one simple one for me to know, once, before i am not, that i can be this way and it is okay. I know that it would require me to be spiritually evolved to realise that it doesnt matter whether someone grants me this cognisance , that the only confirmation lies within, but till i reach that stage, i will continue to seek....

2008-07-14T15:43:00.005+05:30

I once saw a little one,
Full of vigour, eager for fun
Dancing in glee, atop a hill
Jumping, seeking his arms to fill
With bundles of white cottony cloud
‘the sky wouldn’t miss its bounty abound!’

Foolish at first appeared his quest
But so catching the spirit and zest
That I found myself beside the dreamer
As keen to gather, be a co-weaver.
Often when in care & worry mired
I have, to be that child aspired
To throw away the burden of rut,
Make a heap of each bolt and nut.
Unsnare a trapped defeated soul
Relinquish claim to any success or goal
To roam the firmament sans care
Revert to that innocence, can you dare?

Angst....?!

2008-07-11T12:57:00.001+05:30

I was asked by a friend who apparently read my ‘ramblings’ here, ‘why the angst’, why the ‘my life sucks’ hue of this blog. And I was zapped! Is this what this reads like? I am, I thought, one of the blessed few who are so happy being with themselves, never the need for noise or crowds, I wish I could be more with myself. And this would be possible only if there was no conflict with the self, wouldn’t it? For that one must be happy with what one has or doesn’t. So I want to lay it out loud and clear, there is no angst, agony, pain or whatever going on here or anywhere in my life. I can rewrite my story in exactly the same words. It is true that I love to think or ‘ramble’ as it may be but never to sit judgement on my life. There are bleak moments or times when nothing seems to go my way but all it requires then is for me to change course and go life’s way. Is it what they call flowing with the tide, if yes, then I love to ride the waves. I have often been asked if there is a rainy day in my life and I would like to tell you that I love the rain, so when it rains, I don’t reach for the umbrella, I soak it in…

for no reason...

2008-06-30T11:03:00.000+05:30

Why do relationships come with a death wish. There is a purpose behind all that occurs, it is said but in case of a relationship going wrong, what can be the purpose? If one is willing to make the effort to keep it alive and good then why is it that this effort goes unrecognized. And if this be a pattern then can the effort sustain itself? The only purely joyous relationship in life I guess can be the one which one has with ones’ children, at least until they grow into adults and acquire the habit of sitting judgement like all others. Until then they are ready to accept you as the best parent or person in the world and all that you do for them or for your relationship with them is accepted, appreciated and rewarded in the form of the unbiased love that they give. This, perhaps, is the reason we strive all our lives, or at least most of us do, to keep them in that mould for a lifetime, as the little ones who accepted our love as pure and absolute, no questions asked or doubts raised. In all other cases, the extra baggage becomes burdensome and stifling. It is always about having to justify oneself and needing to prove how you have not done one or the other wrong/injustice. Whereas a child will accept even your wrongs as the right thing to have occurred and will still seek the love in your eyes, for all others the love gets filmed over by their own unfulfilled expectations. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could form just one relationship as innocent and non-judgemental in our lives as the one between a parent and child? Wishful thinking I guess….

About betrayal ?

2008-06-27T11:21:00.001+05:30

There are times when you feel let down, betrayed but then the easiest thing to do under such circumstances would be to regress into playing a victim and to hold grudges and allow a freefall of negativity into your life. The more difficult option (and one which in my silly quixotic way, I choose to exercise, always) is to realize that maybe in some ways you are the originator of that. The universe is like a boomerang, it gives you nothing but what you have projected. That I guess, is the reason why some people are able to have rocking lives inspite of all odds. Maybe it was your doubts which were projected and the incident/person who appears to be the betrayer is really not responsible. It may sound foolish but take any one incident when you were really sure of yourself and you will realize that things go wrong only when you expect them to. That is the change in thinking or reorientation we all need to bring about for true happiness in our lives. Just be sure of what you want and delete negative connotations such as if or maybe from them and then throw up your wishes to the universe and I’m sure they will come back to you exactly as you envisaged.

for those who need to know

2008-06-24T10:31:00.003+05:30

Have you ever wondered why people crib about the lack of meaningful relationships in their lives. It could be possible that they are themselves responsible bcos they did not have the vision t o see the meaningful ones or to take steps about retaining them. Its not as if some select few are chosen to be endowed while the others are discriminated against. I don’t have a single has-been kind of relation in my life. There is a special mechanism I have which I call my delete button, the moment I realize that im getting no returns in terms of investment being made by the counterparty towards sustenance of the relationship I press that button. Seems harsh and cold, doesn’t it, but I think it is the kindest act one can do, not to let any person become a wound and then a sore but to make a clean break, no questions asked and none answered.

A small step for me.....

2008-06-21T13:50:00.003+05:30

So many clichés to confirm to, the most common being that ‘life should not be taken too seriously’. Makes me wonder, if one doesn’t take one’s life seriously then can anything have that privilege. I can be the cartoon character in everybody’s perception but there is one thing that I always take seriously and that is ‘my life’. Perhaps this is the reason why I cannot understand the carping about life’s infidelity, which goes on incessantly in the case of most people. How many of us are faithful to life, in as much as, do we ever give life a chance? At the smallest of misfortunes, poor life takes the brunt and is blamed and cursed as the perpetrator. Can we think of life as a co-traveller across time, the only one which is faithful till we pass into the beyond (another dimension of time and space, maybe). If yes, then maybe there can be a realization that life is never the perpetrator but as much the victim because it is the one thing for which the word ‘mine’ holds true more than for anything else.
This perhaps is the reason why I consider life to be my dearest friend. And it might seem quixotic but I find no reason to find faults with it ever. Not that there are no grey patches but then life is the companion who takes me past them and always will. Some might call this foolish and unrealistic but that’s the way I choose to be, to make each moment a joyous celebration of my friendship with Life! Want to join me ?